Tuesday, May 2, 2017

And Death was there again.....the bastard

Most of my posts have pretty down and this sadly is no different. 

Two weeks ago I received a call from my cousin that a family member had died. I hadn't seen her in years. I can't even tell you the last time I saw her. But she was family. When I was a kid I used to go and stay with her after school. It was only for the short time I lived with my Tia Cuca. Lynell was always sweet to me and I loved her. I still haven't been able to reach out to my sweet cousin Toya. I just can't put together a sentence that seems adequate. Her mom will forever be my family. Once you are member of this family, you are apart of us for life. 

The day of her memorial another extended family member left this world. I didn't always like him. But not every memory is bad. He was funny and he could be sweet and he was loved. There was a moment where we all spent a lot of time together. Those were good times. The violent way he left this world has left an open wound in this family that isn't going to heal easily. My heart breaks for his daughters, his wife, his dad, his brothers...everyone. There are so many unanswered questions they'll never get a chance to ask. They can't even start to really heal, because his memorial service had to be pushed out for another couple weeks. 

Yesterday, we found out my grandfather died three weeks ago. My horrible evil aunt had him cremated in Oregon without telling anyone of his passing. She had his ashes shipped here to my tiny hometown and his remains were buried without words or music. Who does something so heartless? I didn't realize until yesterday how much I loved him. He was a mean crazy old man. 

In truth he probably shouldn't have been a parent. Most of his children grew up to be a splintered group of strangers. Two of his sons went before him and died alone on the streets. They were loved and still lost to all of us. The list of wrongs my grandfather committed is so long. But I loved him and as I write this I'm crying for the man who was really the only grandparent I have memories of.

He had borrowed a gun and was on a mission to kill my dad. He would gamble at the casino I worked at and look right at me. But he never recognized or acknowledged me. It broke my heart and I would cry at work. And I still loved him. I wouldn't have welcomed him in my home, but the feeling never left. He shouldn't have had the last few awful years of his life wasted with his selfish daughter. He should have been safe and taken care of. 

We went to the spot where his ashes are buried. We cried and I left flowers and mexican bread. He'd understand. I've decided I need to frame a picture of him and talk about him to my children. Not every memory is bad. Not every story is violent. I didn't like him. But I really did love him.

This has been a shitty couple of weeks filled with death and regret and painful memories. My whole family is ready for some happy news. I know there is death every day. I just wish it was spread out more. I hope all the souls we've lost in the last 2 weeks can rest in peace. I hope you read this and decide to forgive someone. I hope you get a chance to say I love you. Because you never know when Death is gonna show up again......that bastard.