Tuesday, February 28, 2017

I'm sorry for being me

I've talked about depression a few times on this blog. My mental health or lack of a healthy mental state is not something I've hidden. 

But I do find myself apologizing for it a lot.

This struggle began when I was 13. I've spent 25 years dancing with the darkness inside my mind. Some days it's like an epic dance off that I'm proud to win. Other days it feels like I'm a 3X3 piece of oak being pounded by the heavy metal taps of my nemesis. Everyone is different, we all fight our demons differently. 

2017 has been exceptionally rough so far and it's taking it's toll on me. In a proactive move I decided I need to return to counseling. My insurance gave me a huge list of counselors to choose from. I started going down the list calling the names that I liked. Then as their voicemail picked up I decided if I liked the sound of their voice.With each message I left I started to feel myself tear up, as I was explaining the reason for my call. I'm not even in therapy yet and I've already started crying. It's embarrassing to admit I am struggling with depression, it shouldn't be. I feel ashamed, but I shouldn't. I keep repeating this in my mind. "I'm embarrassed and ashamed that I'm depressed". I apologize for being me every single day. I feel like I'm always letting everyone down just for being myself. It's exhausting. 

One of the many therapists I called, got right back to me. She asked me what was going on and I gave her a little background. I told her I want to be invisible. And it's true. I get anxiety about leaving my house because I just don't want to be seen. That's how I know....that's how I know it's time. 

My struggles are mine, it doesn't make me less of a person. I'm still a mom, a wife, a daughter, a friend, an asset. I'm not a discounted version of myself. I can write those things and even think them. But then the darkness starts the music and I find myself preparing for the sounds of the metal taps. And I can't stop the words forming on my lips. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I'm broken and imperfect. I'm sorry you read this and think I'm a mess. I'm sorry you judge me for not hiding this truth. I'm sorry that I'm not good enough. I'm sorry for being me. 

I start therapy tomorrow. Not a moment too soon.