Monday, February 20, 2017

2017.....you suck!

It's only February 20th and I think we can all collectively agree that 2017 sucks. 

Oh hi, forgot we haven't spoken in a while. 

  This year took off like a rocket. Or more accurately a missile. Because from the first week we all felt destroyed. My aunt died, it broke my entire family. She was literally the sweetest woman. She would help anyone and believed in every person in her life. We are jaded and cynical, she didn't let our negative outlook penetrate her hopeful sincere need to see the good in everyone. I didn't visit her enough. I could have pushed past the anger of the past to appreciate her more. I could have done a million things differently. She loved me and there is this guilt that I feel for not trying to be a better human...it hurts. 

  Before I had recovered from the hangover I earned at her wake, my sister was hospitalized. She had to have emergency surgery and spent a week in 3 different hospitals. I only have one sister. I had just spent a week comforting my mother who had just lost her only sister. I won't lie and say it didn't mess with my head and scare the shit out of me. Because it really did. My sister doesn't ever do anything for herself. She lives 100% for her family. To see her in so much physical pain and not be able to help was agonizing. But her real pain was from the guilt of not being able to give her all to those kids.....there are no words.

  I think the stress and heartache caught up to me.  I got really sick. First, it was the flu, then a respiratory infection. I threw my daughter a birthday dinner and the minute everyone left I was down for a week. I only started feeling like I had fully recuperated when the next crazy event happened. 

   I live in Northern California very close to this tiny thing called the Oroville Dam. So our entire community was evacuated because of all kinds of scary issues going on there. Literally 200,000 people from a handful of different towns had to get out of the way. I was lucky enough to have family that opened their doors immediately to my clan of five and our dogs. We were lucky that nothing major happened to our town and our home. But the rain is still coming and not all communities were as lucky. 

  Through all of this I've been dealing with the fact that I'm on the brink of diabetes. Well my doctor says I'm on the brink. My diabetic counselor says I have diabetes. Yeah, I have a diabetic counselor, diabetic nurse and an online diabetic health coach. I hope I win an award for beating diabetes. The winners always say "I want to thank my team" and I have a team trying to save my life from this disease. My aunt had diabetes, I remember walking in on her giving herself an insulin injection when I was 7. It was terrifying. A few months before she died she told me she was worried about me. She told be point blank that my weight was out of hand and she didn't want me to end up like her. That was what sent me to the doctor. Everyday is a day of trying. Everyday is another battle of will power.

  So, 2017 sucks and I've started a new life. I am currently deactivated from social media. Right now I need to just focus on me. My health, my kids, my sanity, my peace....I have thought I was at some defining moments many times during the life of this blog. What I realize is that there are no single moments that decide which direction my life is headed. I am always a work in progress regardless of the continuing explosions around me. I am still trying to love me more. I'm still trying to be my own best friend. I'm still trying to feel whole.