Thursday, December 24, 2015

Home for Christmas

Dear friend,
I know it's been awhile. But you know me.

It's officially Christmas Eve.

All the presents are wrapped under the tree. The cookies are baked awaiting decoration. My babies are snuggled in their beds dreaming of the morning. And I'm sitting here writing to you
Micah is in the shower right now. His uniform is laid out next to the Christmas tree. He has to leave for work in a few hours and he won't return until well after the festivities are over. I've become more and more depressed about this fact as the date got closer. All week I've been saying this would be the first time we haven't been together on Christmas Eve since he was in Iraq. But I realized that's not true. When I was working I wasn't home for Christmas. The next morning I was exhausted as Ocibel opened her gifts. The truth is this is the first time he won't be here for Christmas. It's different. It shouldn't be, but it is. Micah is my touchstone. He's my home. When he's gone I avoid my house. I didn't realize it until now. But it's totally true. I spend a lot of time drinking my mom's coffee and hanging out at her house. Because when he's not here....it just doesn't feel like home. I never thought I'd be this woman. Even when I'm hurt and angry and ready to throw in the towel, I'm still hopelessly in love with him. He's my lobster.

More importantly it's the first time in my children's lives that daddy won't be there when they wake up Christmas morning. Don't misunderstand me. I'm very aware that there are so many others that are less fortunate than we are. I know my pain can not be compared to what others are going through right now. But it's 1am on Christmas Eve and my heart hurts.  There are alot of changes for us this Christmas. We have had a Christmas Eve party here for the past 5 years. This year it will be at my sisters. Then on Christmas I do a dinner at our house. But this year it's been canceled and instead we'll be doing to brunch with Micah's family. I feel bad for my kids. I want them have solid Christmas traditions. But this year I just couldn't pull it off. I  have felt for weeks that I've been chasing a train I cant catch.
It's getting late and I need sleep. Tomorrow is  a big day of events. Wish me luck friend. Until next  time.