Tuesday, April 21, 2015

The check engine light

My check engine light is on. 

It's hilarious!

My husband graduated from the fire academy in January, 2008. He's been seasonal since then. Every year he'd hustle and do interviews. Finally this year he was offered a permanent position. We've been waiting for this for 7 years. We've had so many financial ups and downs. From windfalls to near foreclosure. We're almost to a good place and.......my check engine light is on. 

I'm emotionally exhausted. This has been a really hard year. I mean really fucking hard. For the past 12 months I feel like no matter what I do, the world is against me. Yes, I know that sounds dramatic. But it's honestly how I've felt, so that's what I'm writing. I have tried so hard to keep my sparkle and my optimism. But I feel so beat down. My husband has been at my side through all of it. My cheerleader, my angry champion, my comfortable spot to cry. I have been continually doubting my purpose and he's always there telling me how proud he is and how he believes in me. So you can see why I'm having a mental freak out over him leaving yesterday. It's like real life starts now. He'll probably be gone all summer. The California drought is no joke and it will keep him plenty busy through the warm months ahead. My kids have been so used to Daddy being home. He's worked in my Butterfly's class. He's baked cakes for loved ones. He's tucked our babies in every night. Just writing about it is making me fucking cry. I swear I'm working hard not to break down but......my check engine light is on.

I can feel that I'm retreating into myself. I don't feel important or needed. I don't feel like I'm anyone special. In fact what I feel the most is a vibe that most are just waiting for me to leave. They'd be happier if I wasn't around. And I do like making people happy. So my mind keeps saying "It's OK to disappear, no one will notice". I used to claw against that feeling, but I find that lately I'm just giving in. I don't have that fight in me right now. I don't think I've found my sparkle. Instead my souls check engine light is on.

I want to clear my desk. I have final projects to finish, I have house projects to work on. There are a lot of changes coming for my family. Big changes, hard changes. I need to be strong and focused to get through it. I forgot to take out the trash today. I forgot to take the girls their lunch. I forgot my deodorant. I really just want a bag of cookies and a warm blanket to hide under. But I can't. Because there are dishes in the sink and piles of junk to sort. My floors need to be mopped and rugs vacuumed. I've got budgets to work on and laundry to fold. Oh and did I mention I need to make an appointment for the auto shop? Because on top of it all, my god damned check engine light is on!