Friday, March 6, 2015

Dear friend, I wanna throw my clothes away

I hate laundry

I think every mother will agree that they hate laundry. But I'm washing MY clothes right now. And I hate my clothes the most. When all of my laundry is clean I don't have space for it all. I hate that. It's not because I have a beautiful wardrobe. It's because all my clothes are huge. Come on friend, lets not pretend. I'm a big woman. Big women have big clothes. It's a fact 

You know when I started this blog it was supposed to lead me to a happier healthier life. Over the years you've read my optimistic posts about how it was OK that I didn't meet those goals. Today is different story. 

I'm realizing that my children are going to need me. Especially Moose. There is no way to know what kind of limitations he'll have in the future. At night I lay awake wondering if we'll ever be able to leave him home alone. If he'll live with us forever. If he'll ever fall in love. The questions about "what will come" are endless. As much as I love and cherish my son in any form he comes in, my heart breaks for the vision of his future I had hoped for him....that will no longer be. My mom says I need to have faith and not to give up hope (you know her). I wish I could make her understand. I could never give up hope. But I have to prepare for every possible scenario. And I need to be OK with what may or may not happen. Which is not easy.We have such a long hard road ahead and I'm so scared. Friend...I just can't stop crying. 

But that's not what I stopped in to write to you about. This is about me. Me and my overflowing fucking closet. Me realizing that I'm killing myself. I'm eating crap and staying still and it's killing me. Literally I am going to die because I am so overweight. Yeah I know we've talked about this before. Since starting this blog I have gained 30 pounds. No joke literally 30 pounds. That is the weight of a 4 year old child. I make a lot of excuses. The fact is I just don't try. I don't try to eat healthier. I think about it, but I never actually try. I don't try to exercise. I think about it....but nope. I don't do anything differently. I am an emotional eater. I binge eat my feelings. Reading this blog you know the shit that the past 3 years had been handed to me. And you know that I am completely full of shit when I say I can handle it. Because as my brain is handling it, my car is driving me to the McDonalds drive thru. True story. 

I mean...come know me. You know I want to make big promises that I will start today and change myself. But I'm scared of being disappointed in myself tomorrow. This was a hard week. I've cried so much this week. It feels like the toothpicks that were holding up the castle have been snapping one by one. I'm mentally exhausted. I'm emotionally raw. So (before you tell me)it's likely not the best time to attempt to change. But I feel like I'm having an awakening. Last night, I started to eat a cheeseburger and honestly.....just couldn't eat it. 

When you have children it is essentially giving your life up to someone else. Some people think that it's when you marry someone. But that is not the moment you fully give your life. It isn't until you see the face of your immortality staring back at you. The light you share with the world. The heart you will protect more than your own. You have a responsibility to life for them now. So I have to stop making excuses. Because I need to live now more than ever. I need to stop eating crap. I want to throw all the crappy clothes in my closet away. So it has to start today. I want so badly to have faith in myself...people tell me all the time how strong I am. I guess I just need to believe. 

Thanks for letting me vent friend. I'll post pictures when I finally throw away all those clothes.   

*For some reason Blogger won't let me comment or reply to comments. So this is for Anonymous!

Hello Anonymous! Thank you for stopping by the Happy Mom Project. Unfortunately, I don't know what you're referring to. I don't really think I give advice to anyone...but myself. I almost never take my own advice which is why I'm so large. Anyways...if you'd like to have an adult conversation please just let me know who you are and when you'd like to meet. Have a great day and thanks for helping boost my page views!

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