Thursday, February 26, 2015

Dear friend, I don't want to go to sleep

I have reoccurring nightmares. So I don't want to sleep anymore.

I'm running on a hilly trail. It starts to snow. As I try to go up a hill it turns to mud. No matter how hard I try I can't make it up the hill. I can feel myself starting to panic. I can feel my chest starting to ache because I can't catch my breath. The snow is getting thicker and I'm getting cold. I start crying...and then I wake up. 

I get into my car and I put it into reverse. But the brake won't work and I can't shift out of reverse. I can't see where I'm going and I can't stop the car. I start to panic, then I wake up. 

Every night these same dreams come to me. Clearly my subconscious is trying to send me a message. My subconscious thinks I have some issues to deal with. My subconscious pisses me off. 

Over the last six months it really feels like our lives have taken a downward spiral. My husband's unemployment got screwed up and it shorted us almost $3000.  Then my identity was stolen leaving our income taxes unreachable for 6 months. The pit that gets dug every winter seems to be swallowing us whole. It has felt like our family truly can't catch a break. All the while I'm volunteering my heart and soul to programs and organizations to help kids and their families. There is no longer a candle to be burnt at both ends. It's all gone now. Just when it feels like it can't get any worse.....we received Moosey's diagnosis. 

I know why I'm having these nightmares. I know why my subconscious is sending me messages. It knows my soul is shattering. It knows that I've been barely holding it together. All these balls are in the air and I've just been punched in the gut. I can't let them fall. People depend on me to keep those balls flying. Ican'tletthemfallIcan'tletthemfallIcan'tletthemfall. My continuous mantra to keep me going through the motions of my day.

Oh my sweet boy. He'll always be the sweet boy his now. Reading the report in my hands, tears start spilling from my eyes, all the books I read in high school are start floating to the surface..Of Mice and Men, Flowers for Algernon, What's eating Gilbert Grape..he's always going to be my sweet boy. I can only sit and sob until my eyes swell shut and sitting upright hurts. This is my fault, all my fears are completely realized. I was so angry when I was pregnant with him. I didn't want to have another baby. I barely liked my husband at the time. I would talk to my belly and explain my frustrations to my unborn son. Then he was born and it was like the light I never knew was missing finally turned on. That was when the fear started. When he was an infant in my arms I would whisper apologies to him. Every day I have been afraid that because of that anger I felt, because I didn't want another baby....something bad would happen. This is my fear realized. 

Suddenly all the debt and pressures and obligations feel like a marching band stomping on my head. My son's fate is weighing down my heart. And I feel so alone. This isn't something you can share and resolve over coffee and a conversation. I don't think I could handle seeing the pity on the faces of others. All of which would have no idea what to say. All of which silently thanking god that their children will grow up normal, healthy and, smart.  And I don't blame them. I don't begrudge them. I just don't have the strength to see it on their faces right now. I look at my daughters and wonder what their futures will be like. When Micah and I are gone they will have to take care of their brother. Will they resent it? Will they embrace it? What if I get cancer? What if Micah blows out his knees? What will all of this do to Moosey's smile and happy spirit? What kind of pain will my son endure? It's just so much and it weighs on my mind constantly. 

I don't want to go to sleep. There is no escape for me there. My dreams only reflect what my mind is already struggling with. Oh, friend....I don't know where to go from here. I just know that I'm so tired and scared.