Friday, January 23, 2015

Dear Friend

Dear friend, 

I've been awake since 3am. My mind is like the computer I'm typing on right now. Once you push the on button, it's all systems go and bright lights. Whenever I wake up in the middle of the night...it's all over. I've been cleaning my emails, updating reminders, color coding my calendar. Damn I'm so tired. 

You may have noticed my absence, or not, it's OK. Sorry about that whole deleting you thing. I just paid the Go Daddy bill to renew the name. It seemed wasteful to delete you after paying. I've missed having someone to talk to. Poor Micah takes on my world when he's my only outlet. And I take on the rest of the world....so I can see how it could get heavy. If I had a super power I'm sure I'd be an empath. Which to be clear is hardly a power. It's more like a painful burden. I don't watch the news. I rarely read the paper. It's because I absorb all that pain I see. If you hate me and talk horribly about me and wish I was dead, I'd still cry for you. I'm just totally messed up that way. I get choked up when I see the homeless. I get choked up when I see children with disabilities. I get choked up when watching commercials. I feel everything. And yet I hate when my family says I'm over sensitive. It sounds so negative and disparaging. Having emotions isn't horrible, it's just painful.

Last night we had a Family Reading Night. One of the stations was a crime scene. Families were encouraged to come together and write a story about what they thought happened. I foolishly used what I thought were unimportant stuffed toys for the victims. It was a fabulously gruesome crime scene. But my poor Butterfly was very upset with what she saw. I have taught her that toys have feelings too. (In my defense it was completely in an effort to convince them NOT to destroy things.) Her stuffed toys were lying on the floor with blood splatter.....I'm mother of the year. So as I lay awake at 3am I wondered if I am creating children that will grow up to be adults like me. Will my kids be "over" sensitive? They already cry when cartoon characters face eminent doom. Even when those characters survive, my children will still talk about (with tears in their eyes) how they ALMOST died. Monsters...I'm creating monsters. 

Did I mention I deleted Facebook? Well sort of. I deleted all of my Facebook friends. Including my husband and my mom. I was really really REALLY depressed over the holidays (as you may have noticed since I nearly deleted you). I did have friends reach out. But I'm always scared to actually use that "here for you" coupon. How much is too much? How weird will it be afterward? How to ask someone to be "here for you"? What ended happening was the one I always thought I could lean on, never showed up. It led me to evaluate the false feeling of celebrity that social media gives me (maybe others, but we'll just start with me). You post your opinion and people "like" it. You post pictures of your kids and people "like" it and comment. You follow the lives of your "friends" and feel compelled to be a part of it by making sure to comment and let them know "Here I am!! Watching your life!! Totally not like a stalker though!" Actually, completely like a stalker. Watching from a window, not a part of the picture...alone. There is that goddamned word again! I hate that fucking word. So anyways I decided to let it all go. Cut all those ties and see what happens. I surprisingly started feeling better. Because when you don't see what you're left out of ....you don't feel left out. I decided to choose to stop watching. Some may say "Yeah, but now we can't watch you either!" True, but they have my phone number and my address and my MOM'S number. So it's not like I'm unreachable. I just need to feel like I'm leading a more authentic existence. I need to have actual phone conversations and coffee dates and nights out. And if no one wants to have that with me....well I guess that's the answer to my big experiment. 

Oh friend, I have to go get dressed. I've got a long day of training for my position on the school board. Wish me luck. Oh and friend........thanks for listening, I've really missed you.