Monday, December 29, 2014

I need to believe that I am enough

I told my husband a secret this morning. 

Every night, I go to sleep afraid I won't wake up. I am what a doctor would call morbidly obese. It's not self deprecating, it's just the truth. I'm horribly overweight. I have chest pains nearly every day. I have trouble breathing just trying to tie my shoes. So every night I go to bed terrified. My over active imagination tells me I might stroke out or have a heart attack. Neither of which are far fetched in my current condition. But I'm not just afraid of dying. That's not the secret. 

I'm afraid of dying before I actually become the person I hope to be. 

This was already a harsh season of self reflection. Then my uncles death opened a whole new door of pain and mind fucking. How have two uncles died the same way? Alone and homeless. I wonder if they questioned their lives in the end. Were they broken from the realization that they never lived up to their own potential? Did they have dreams? Did they want to be better parents? Did they believe in a God? There will never be answers to those questions. All that can be taken away is the lesson now. The lesson that life is short and precious.

I often wish I was better at journaling. I have never been able to write daily, take vitamins, take medication. I lack ritual in my life as a whole. With the exception of laziness and procrastination of course. But this blog has given me a place to keep my thoughts much like a journal (however erratic my writing is) Funny that most people keep their journals hidden away from the everyone. And I leave it for the world to read... There is something to be said there. Although I'm not sure what it is yet. I have been reading my old posts and as usual I frustrate myself. I'm always trying to make others see my worth. I'm always trying to prove that I am worthy of friendship and time. It's the constant in my existence...I never feel wanted or worthy. A couple of nights ago I found this quote on Pinterest. 

 "It's easy to feel uncared for when people aren't able to communicate and connect with you in the way you need. And it's so hard not to internalize that silence as a reflection on your worth. But the truth is that the way other people operate is not about you. Most people are so caught up in their own responsibilities, struggles and, anxiety that the thought of asking someone else how they're doing doesn't even cross their mind. They aren't inherently bad or uncaring-they're just busy and self-focused. And that's okay. It's not evidence of some fundamental failing on your part. It doesn't make you unlovable or invisible. It just means that those people aren't very good at looking beyond their own world. But the fact that you are-that despite the darkness you feel, you have the ability to share your love and light with others-is a strength. Your work isn't to change who you are; it's to find people who are able to give you the connection you need. Because despite what you feel, you are not too much. You are not too sensitive  or too needy. You are thoughtful and compassionate and kind. And with or without any one's acknowledgement or affection, you are enough- Daniel Koepke

After I read it I just sat crying. Because I beat myself up all the time. I tell myself that I'm too needy and I'm too sensitive. I remind myself all the time that just because I'd drop anything to be there, I shouldn't expect the same from others. No matter how much I remind myself of those things I often feel unlovable and invisible. Then I read this and it's like he was speaking directly to me in that moment. 

This is about me

Just me. It's not about you. Reading MY words and internalizing it,  getting angry from it and making it about you, misses the point of why I've written it to begin with. I need to get to a place in myself where I hear those words and believe them. I need to believe that I am enough. And no one can do that for me. I have to believe it first. 

You see the problem with a public blog is that anyone can read it. People you love get angry at you for being broken. It's true. They want you to be whole and happy. They want whatever they offer you to be enough. Even now they could be reading this thinking it's all about them and, they'll be angry with me. The truth is...I don't believe I'm enough, so nothing you could do would ever make me truly believe that. 

I haven't been the mother I want to be. I haven't been the wife I want to be. I haven't been the daughter or sister or niece or cousin or friend or role model that I want to be. But mostly I haven't been the ME that I want to be. The fullest possible ME. I've been living my life to try and be validated by others. Posting pictures of my family in it's best moment to say "See I'm a great mom! I'm got my shit together". I have been trying so hard to prove to others that I am worthy of them and their time. I missed the point. I missed proving it to myself.

I want to be different than the person I am right now writing this. This 36 years of never feeling like I am has to stop. I've got lots of work. And it all starts right here in me. 

I need to believe that I am enough