Wednesday, December 17, 2014

And in comes Mr.Dark

I'm scared........and exhausted. 

This life is such a roller coaster. You'd think I'd be prepared for the lows. You'd think that after going around and around I'd see it coming from a mile away. 

SLAM! Your stomach is in your throat and you can't catch your breath.
The cart is barrelling down down down
Remind me why we think this is fun?

For the first time since I started this blog I'm questioning myself. Really truly questioning if the choices I've made are huge mistakes. I'm starting to feel like maybe I peaked....I thought I had so much more to offer. 

The house is quiet. My babies are asleep. I'm spiraling. 

It's so strange to feel this way again. I haven't felt this close to that dark place in so long. Today, I felt myself just on the verge of tears...all day. It's never one tiny thing that drags you to this place. It's everything at once. Maybe the weather started it. Maybe the holidays. Maybe the realization that no matter how much you invest, you shouldn't expect a return. All I know is a horrible thought swept through my brain today. Too horrible to repeat. It was like an old lover passing on the street. 

Do you know the feeling? 

Like a fist gripping your throat and, your heart at the same time. You instinct is screaming at you to run and hide. But your pride tells you to slow down and, pretend you don't notice. Be he knows you noticed. And when that moment passes, your limbs go limp and, you can't stop the tears. That was how horrible it was.

I thought I was on the right path. I'm no longer sure I have been. I have this need inside me to build and give and make change. But what if it was all a mistake and, I wasn't supposed to do these things I feel so passionate about. What if I was supposed to stay in that job? What if I misinterpreted the universe and what I thought it was telling me?  

And there he is....staring at me....laughing at me....Mr. Dark. 

Last week, I was talking to my mom about depression. Not my own, but in general. My dad went off. He started listing all of the reasons I have to just "get over it". As if it was such an easy choice. As if it wasn't the mountain it feels like and, I wasn't pushing the damned rock uphill. But it's not his fault, he just doesn't understand. He just wants me to be happy. I get it. 

Right now, I feel invisible. And it scares me. I'm 36 years old. Why do I feel like I'm still 14 begging my "friends" to let me hang out too. Maybe I did peak. This is where Mr. Dark starts to twist my shit up. What if Micah leaves me? Then I will truly be alone. Because I feel so invisible. But that very thought is INSANE! Micah and I are literally in the best place we have ever been. EVER. So why would my brain work against me? Why is it steering me toward that dark pit that I know will swallow me whole? 

It's Christmas. I'm supposed to be cheerful and happy. Which I play off to the outside world fairly well. But you my happy know the truth. I want so much to be cheerful and happy. But I want it to come from this golden place inside my heart. I want it to feel real. But right now it feels like the lights on my tree are going out one by one. I'm just trying so hard to hold on to the light..and in comes Mr. Dark to swallow me up.