Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Two years of sparkle, thank you

I missed my bloggyversary. 

On July 26th it was two years of this blog
I was in fact celebrating. I mean, I didn't realize I was celebrating my bloggyversary. But I was celebrating. 

On the 26th we had a big party. My husband graduated from a training program the day before. My son turned 4 and as I told you in my last post, we made it to 10 years of wedded bliss. LOTS of reasons to celebrate! Of course, no story on my blog could have a happy start and finish. No, it has to involve roller coasters and blood and shit gettin' stupid. And that is EXACTLY what happened.

My air conditioner quit on Friday, it was over 100 degrees outside. By mid afternoon it hit 90 degrees in my house. There was zero chance of me cooking at home or sleeping for that matter. All five of us had to sleep on my mom and dad's floor. My kids were already fried from the long graduation day. The camp out was not ideal...but it is what it is.  All the prep plans I had for Friday went right out the window. Not to mention the banks major screw up that left us scrambling and reeling trying to pull off the party on a shoe string. Then the morning of the party the driver side door handle came off in Micah's hand. I was so proud of how calm he was. It was  like he expected some new obstacle to appear and he refused to succumb. Then my dad nearly died when he fell down my roof while working on my AC. At one point I could be heard screaming to the sky with fists shaking "FUCK YOU!!! BRING IT!!!"
It was an epic beginning to what turned out to be a pretty freakin' good party. I was surrounded by almost all of the most important people in my world.

But I'm getting off topic

When I found this space and poured out my heart 2 years ago...I was lost. So lost. I just read that first post and I gotta tell you...not much has changed. I'm sitting here with a pile of papers on my desk. There are projects all over the floor around me. I have actually gained 10 pounds or so since starting this blog. I still wake up every morning telling myself to be more productive, work on weight loss, get motivated. Some days it works. Some days...well lets just say it's a battle. 

Right now the dryer is going and I can hear the faucet in the front bathroom leaking. The kids are in bed. I should do a million productive things (like writing this blog post -CHECK!). But I'm not going to. Instead of getting a good nights rest, I have every intention of trolling Netflix. And the truth is...that's my sanity. I wasn't built to machine through and make it perfect. It's just not me and that's OK. So it's been two years and here is what I've got for you. 

Some days suck. 
I know I've gotta let em go and try for something better the next day....and those days might suck worse. But it's all gonna be OK. 

Surround yourself with people who make you laugh. 
You need a good team of lovers (not what you're thinking). You need people who love you and celebrate you. The flawed, foul mouthed, big hearted you. But most important they need to make you laugh. Laughter will cure everything and if it doesn't, no worries. Because it's all gonna be OK

Stop pretending you don't say FUCK! 
Yes, I know it's a horrible word. But saying it doesn't make me a horrible person. I don't say it in front of my children. I try to restrain myself in public. But frankly I'm not fucking perfect and that's what makes me FUCKING AWESOME! And if someone gets offended by it...Fuck it, because it's all gonna be OK.

Love your partner, even when they are assholes 
I wonder every day how I got so lucky. On almost half of those days I also question how I became cursed. To love someone so much and be completely painfully hard. To deal with their mood swings and the weird noises when they eat...oddly harder. But I try and find the love through all the hard. (Sometimes hard is good *wink wink*) And I just have to believe that it's gonna be OK. 

Follow the light
I have been in scary dark places. There are deep holes inside my soul that I have worked to build bridges over. I used to battle that darkness every day. But I learned to follow the light. My children and their happiness is light. My husband is light.The people who love me and need me is light. The passion I have for humanity and community all of that is light. I don't feel afraid of myself anymore. I don't plan my obituary anymore. I don't cry by myself anymore. I know now that it's all gonna be OK. 

After two years I still have piles, still stress out and, still yell. I'm still overweight and I ate Cheetos and chocolate today. I'm similar but completely different. I showed up! And I showed up LOUD. There is no denying that I have found sparkle inside myself. I feel it everyday now. The people around me see my sparkle. All I want to do is spread it around. The more my world looks like a disco ball, the better!! But if it isn't sparkling, it's still gonna be OK.

Thank you so much for the past 2 has been my great honor to write here. And I hope to continue and bring you along for the ride. Go sparkle on! What's the worst that could happen?