Saturday, January 4, 2014

The Year of Hate

2013 was the year of hate at the Happy Mom Project. 

Last February I wrote a post called Today I hate my life. To date that post has 1589 hits......1589

My next most popular post is only at 396. In fact most of my posts barely see 100 reads........1589

I wrote that post almost a year ago and it still gets about 20-30 hits a week. Blogger lets you know how people found your blog. There is a long list of what words or phrases brought them. It will even divide up which search engines were used. What I found is that most people search google with "Today I hate my life". 

It makes me sad. I'm grateful that people found my blog and a connection that tells them they aren't alone. But it is heart breaking to know how many of us are feeling so miserable that we type into a search bar "Today I hate my life".

I have received so many messages of gratitude. Mostly women write me and say "Thank you for saying out loud what I never could". Because none of us want to hate our lives. None of us want to feel like we are alone and no one understands how hard it is.

I have been very open on this blog about my struggle with depression. I believe it will be an every day battle for my whole life. I see so much of myself in my children that I'm scared for them and their own struggles with it. Everyday life has a way of dragging you down. Because it's not what we imagined. It's not what we had wished for. I never thought I'd be living in a one horse town with 3 kids. I never knew it was going to hurt so much to worry every moment about them. But I also never knew I could love as much as I do today. 

Right now, I'm exhausted and just want to go back to sleep. The kids woke me up and were making a ton of noise. Right now, I'm in a bad place in my marriage. We're having big scary discussions and sometimes it feels like the end. But I'm so in love with him that my heart physically aches. Right now, I feel the weight of my community on my shoulders. I'm involved in so much and I'm constantly afraid of letting people down and disappointing them. Right now, I miss my mom and just want to sit on her couch and drink coffee. She lives 30 seconds away and she's still young. But I see the people around me losing their parents and it scares me.

I still have piles. I have piles of laundry, piles of dishes and, piles of papers. I need to put away the decorations and, fold the towels that have been sitting there for a week. 

My life is a run on sentence. It doesn't stop, there are a lot of errors, it's messy and, frustrating and, mine. 

2014 will not be the year of hate. I've been sitting here trying to come up with something witty to name 2014. (It's harder then you'd think.) THE YEAR OF SPARKLE!!! (kinda lame right?). THE YEAR OF HOPE (totally overused) THE YEAR OF CHANGE (isn't every year a change) THE YEAR OF FOCUS (too corporate) THE YEAR OF FABULOUSNESS (shut up! It might work)

I want so much for this year. I want to continue to work on happiness and let the negative people in my life fade away. I want to admit that I suck at diet and exercise but it's going to kill me if I don't change. I want to keep trying to be a better mom. 

It gets better my happy readers. We have to have faith that it will get better. Maybe only 30 seconds of better. But maybe that's all we need to keep us hanging on. 

2014 The Year of Sparkle (fuck it, it's my blog, lame or not I can sparkle if I want to)