Sunday, January 12, 2014

I feel alone

My house is quiet right now. 

I should be in bed.

I only got a few hours of sleep last night and I've been exhausted all day. I'm beating myself up right now ...a lot. I should have been folding laundry. I should have been cleaning the house. I should have played in the dirt with the kids. I should have been more productive. But I've been so freaking tired, that I just didn't want to move. 

My life has gotten increasingly busy. I still want to do so many things. The PTA is a working organization now and we're raising money and it's amazing! My girl scout troop is growing and we're planning so many fun things. I truly want to empower these little girls. My next parade adventure is at a planning stage and I know it will take a lot more attention then the last. Then there is work...oh work. I feel like there is this frenzied need to get it all done right now. If I want to help make difference I need to run to the finish line as fast as I can...... Then I walk in the door and I see how much I have to do at home. Instantly my momentum is blown by laundry and dishes and grown up stuff. And I feel the darkness. 

This doesn't feel like the same sad darkness that has come before. (#suicideawarenssday) Does darkness mature as we get older? I don't feel the pull from that void inside myself. I don't feel like I can't breath and I want to hide. But I can't stop crying. Not body racking sobs...just slow steady tears that won't stop coming. My heart aches, physically aches inside my chest. 

I feel so alone tonight.

People are always saying it's not good to "air out your dirty laundry". Ya know, the funny thing is, I've never felt like I had anyone listening to me. And I'm not one to pretend that my life is perfect. What if my journey helps someone else realize they aren't alone. What if I, ME, I finally feel like I'm not the crazy one? Like possibly, just maybe, all my broken hearted feeling of neglect and unimportance is valid. Isn't that relief from the lonely pain worth the sharing of some dirty laundry? Apparently not. You're supposed to keep the curtains drawn and just push through..........I don't know that I can do that. It's just not me. 

It's so much harder than I thought it would be.....marriage, children, grown up stuff.  I see a lot of what appears to be perfect marriages around me. Open communication, positive reinforcement, mutual respect, DATE NIGHTS. I look at those amazing couples and think How the hell do they do it? I wonder what people think when they see my husband and I.  Firefighter, Iraqi war veteran, super dad - bakes cakes, coaches soccer, takes girls to dance, builds things. And me? Micro manage mom - needs to be in control, keeps running, over joiner. You know that tiny sentence took me about 8 minutes to write. I literally re-wrote a dozen versions that I hated. Because I can't seem to find anything positive when describing myself. 

About 4 years ago my husband and I hit a rocky place in our marriage. He told me he wasn't attracted to me anymore and, that my weight issues caused all our problems. The next day he apologized (a lot) and tried to take it all back. But some things can never be unsaid. They hang in history forever. Not even love can erase it from a screwed up brain like mine. That was the first time he broke my heart. We're back to that place again. And that place makes me feel alone. 

For someone like me who has such low self esteem....it's like I relive that moment everyday. I over analyze it, I chop it up, I put it back together, I own it, I hate myself for it, I hate him for it, I wish I could forget it, I wish he'd never said it, I wish I didn't think it was still so true, I wish it didn't make me question everything, I wish I felt pretty.

A lot of people tell me that I'm "so confident". Not really, it's more like really good mascara. You cake it on and it makes your lashes APPEAR to be lush and beautiful. But they are actually short and flat. What if they realize I am clueless and I let all of them down? What if everyone finally sees what I see in the mirror? 

I feel so stupid. I started this blog to find my sparkle. I thought I was so close. But now I don't think I'm any closer today than I was when I started. 

I know that I am entirely in control. I know that if I want to be better, I need to move forward and do the work. But why am I so afraid to take the step and get moving. 

There are a million excuses I have. I won't bore you with them. The truth is I'm scared. I'm scared to move forward. The not knowing what will happen next is agonizing. I have a secret that I'm not proud of......I read the last page. Yup, I'm one of those. Because I need to know that there will be an outcome I can live with.  

I hate that I'm so scared. It locks me into the worst position and eats away at my happiness. 

I feel so alone right now. 



All alone standing at a road....too god damned terrified to move.

Tomorrow is day 1 again.......say a prayer for me that this day 1 is better than the last day 1.