Friday, December 13, 2013

I stopped

The more things change the more they stay the same. 

I made a big life decision a few months back. I decided to stop.

I realized that so many of my goals were to try and make relationships work. All types of, friends, work. When I go back and read old posts they are all about the same thing over and over again (REBRAND A mom's effort to be more fake). I was constantly beating myself up about who was disappointed in me and who I was disappointed in. My entire life I have been looking around wondering why I didn't have people. Just about that time someone comes along and I invest myself....some explosion happens and they're gone. So I finally gave in and decided to stop. No large motions in any direction.

  Just stop.

I thought that I was only going to be happy if I could finally find that feeling of belonging. But that feeling is not something you can find. It just has to already be there.....and it's never been there for me. The search and disappointment has been exhausting.When I decided to stop, I felt calm. All at once a weight lifted off my shoulders. I didn't stop caring. I didn't stop feeling. I just had to stop making it a priority.

I have always wanted to help my community. But my need to work on relationships always took so much of my mind and heart. So the ideas I had always took a back burner. Until I stopped. It was like ripping a blind fold off and seeing light. Suddenly there are possibilities and positive outcomes. I threw myself into organizing the Christmas parade. In my mind I knew what I wanted it to be. But I had a small window to make that a reality. In the last week I really started to question myself. What if no one comes? What if everyone drops out? As I sat on the stage and, listened to the Star Spangled Banner, I started to cry. I looked up and down the street at all the people and the happy kids.....they came after all. I was just so excited (and relieved) that they showed up. It wasn't perfect, it didn't go off without a hitch, but it didn't matter. I finished something I had always wanted to do.

 I love helping people. I love making people happy. I love making people laugh.

I'm getting too old to keep trying to find this fantasy group of people.The worry and pain involved in the search takes more energy than I can afford to waste. I have too many things I want to create and help with. So many projects I want to do with my children. I may have finally reached an important point in my life. The stopping point.