I hate this week.
Seriously, I hate this week.
I hate my birthday. I decided this year it wouldn't exist. So today is just Tuesday.
No it has nothing to do with aging. I don't feel 35 there for it really isn't a big deal for me. In my mind I'm 17 and have no flippin' clue how I got all these kids and responsibilities. Some mornings I wake up in shock that this is my life.
I read my post from last year and remember how sad I felt on my actual birthday. I was so hopeful and wanted so badly to feel happy and excited. That is not what ended up happening.....but I'll get back to that.
I deactivated my facebook account for a few days. I can't keep it deactivated because there are groups that I have to contact through facebook this week. When I told my mom she got mad at me. She didn't understand how sad it makes me. Because it truly makes me feel sad.
I have about 450-500 facebook "friends". Of those I get about 40 birthday wishes. Please don't misunderstand me I'm always grateful for those wishes. We don't always take that moment to leave a message. I know I don't leave Happy Birthday wishes for every single person on my friends list. Most days I completely forget to look. But other times I'll see the person and I decide not to leave a message. Because I don't know them. We may have been an acquaintances 20 years ago in high school. But I feel like me popping in to say "Happy Birthday" is the equivalent to the post card I get from life insurance carrier every year. These strangers don't want to see my generic "Happy Birthday! Remember freshman year in high school when we had 1 class together!" They want to be acknowledged by the people that are really important to them.
My kids have been tag teaming me with illness. Last week Fish got strep throat and Moose had a bad cold. They got me sick and I had an ear infection. This week started off with Moose having 103.2 temperature and the Butterfly with an infection of some sort. I just can't seem to win. All that while we are living in a pile because the girls bedroom remodel is it's 3rd week and is no where near complete.
Needless to say I am less than enthusiastic about today being my birthday.
I had hoped that my husband would finally come through. Since the beginning of our marriage my husband has made my birthday a train wreck of sorts. When I was pregnant with Fish he forgot about my birthday completely. He spent most of our bank account on a steak dinner for his buddies. We were newly married and he had just gotten back from Iraq so I spent a lot of time reminding him that year. I wanted my last birthday before having a baby to be special. It didn't matter. Most years after that blend together (unless I planned it and paid for it myself). The year he told me he wasn't attracted to me and all our problems were my fault. The year he didn't forget, just didn't plan and wanted to leave and go shopping "I'm gonna leave for a few hours..OK?". Most years the excuse is that we didn't have any money. That isn't the problem this year. But still no calls saying "Sorry I couldn't be there, I hid your present in XYZ and your card is ..." Nope.
What it comes down to it at the end of this day that I hate is.....I'm not special to anyone. I don't know why I'm not special. Maybe I'm too honest. Maybe I'm too much of a bitch. Maybe wanting to be important is the problem. If you're aloof and pretend you don't care maybe that is the key
I did have friends bring me flowers....and balloons....and a cake. They are very sweet and very important to me. But they didn't know it was my birthday. I made the mistake of telling them. For most people being brought all those things would brighten your day. But I'm different....it made me sad. It was what I was trying to avoid all day. I made it to 5pm. It wasn't that I don't appreciate it. Because I do, it was so very nice of them. But I had just told my friend about how shitty my week was starting out. I had just explained how tired I was. I had just said that yet again, my husband didn't plan anything for me. I shouldn't have been venting. I shouldn't have mentioned it was my birthday.
Because it changed everything from "YAY! IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY!! LETS CELEBRATE!!"
to "Poor Dre, she's having a shitty birthday."
I had almost made it through the whole day without someone feeling sorry for me.
I have to put my kids to bed. I have to clean the kitchen. I have to make sure their homework is in their backpack.
Today is not a special day. Today is just Tuesday.