My parents taught me to be honest...to a fault.
They also taught me to be me no matter what everyone thought.
Lead with your heart and love with it entirely.
Most of all they taught me to be accountable for my actions.
Damn them! I'm sure they thought that they were raising a child with prized and balanced qualities.
THEY WERE WRONG!!
No one wants you to be honest. EVER!!
When someone says "Hi! How are you?" They want you to say "Fine"
They aren't really asking how you're doing. They are being "polite". Isn't it hilarious that in this particular case being "polite" means being fake and pretending to care. How is that polite?
When I say "How are you?" I REALLY MEAN IT! I am one of those idiots who actually cares for people.
Let me repeat that.
I AM ONE OF THOSE IDIOTS WHO ACTUALLY CARES FOR ALL PEOPLE.
I am a blackjack dealer. When I talk to my players I hear all about there lives. Where they are from, what they do, their family, their sad stories, their losses. And I retain all of it and when I see them again I remember and ask about their life. I actually care about people in general and their well being.
None of this benefits me.
I am a shitty investor
I invest heart and time into people sometimes for years. I always think that I'm investing for the long haul. Preparing my life and soul for retirement, if you will. I so so so wish I would have been told so long ago that I make poor investment choices.
I always think I am searching for the best investment. The best match, the best likely out come, the most longevity. Every time I feel as if I've shot myself in the foot.
I AM A HEART DRIVEN SENSITIVE PERSON!
I take the way people treat me literally. That may be hard to understand. I have been disposed of by a great number of people in my relatively short life. It is always because my expectations of them are too high. And I do realize that it's my fault for having any expectations to begin with. But when someone upsets me or hurts me I have always told them. This is apparently the wrong thing to do. AND IT HAS HAPPENED MANY MANY MANY TIMES with a long list of people.
I am no ones "person". If you are a Grey's Anatomy fan you get the reference.
From an investing point of view, I must have no real value.
It is a very rare occasion when I tell someone how I feel and they stick around after the fact.
Maybe I'm an emotional bully and I never realized it.
The worst part is that I have a family that is getting dragged around the emotional roller coaster of falling in love with people only to never see them again. Can we see Auntie (insert a dozen names here) today? No sweetie, she hates mommy now. Sorry
My children have become collateral damage of my emotions.
In that moment when I was greatly offended or hurt or broken to bits, I thought I was being an adult by letting them know. I thought that with real REAL friendship you could tell people the truth and in the end you'd hug it out and move on. Nope. In the end.......it's the end. Because you were just supposed to say "I'm fine"
The saddest part is that I'm just needy and pathetic enough that if any one of them walked up to me...I'd have open arms. Well all of them except that one bitch. But that's another story.
(If you are reading this you must care a tiny bit so I am obviously not referencing you)
So how can I get people to stick around??
Well folks I'm gonna need to RE BRAND!
It's sounds easy! IN JUST THESE FEW STEPS YOU CAN BE A NEW YOU!!!!!
1. Stop telling people how you feel
Just smile through whatever unnecessary emotion you are having. It will pass eventually.
2. Stop having expectations of anyone
Honesty and caring are expensive commodities in 2013. It is better to not expect those things from anyone.
3. Get a thicker skin
People are never gonna stop treating you like you're disposable. So just learn to take it.
4. Stop trying to be an investor
Your children, husband and parents love you more than the moon and stars. Best to keep all your assets there and stop trying to invest in other places.
5.Stop being honest
People really want the sugar coated version of life. So just give it to them.
6. STOP WHINING ABOUT WHAT YOU DON'T HAVE!
This is by far the most important. My family is tired of seeing me cry and hearing me wonder why I'm so toxic that I can't seem to keep anyone around. They are tired of me chewing my arms off to give them to people I think need them. They are tired of hearing about the loneliness.
7. Apologize to everyone for every having hurt feelings or being offended or being beaten down. It's the only way to get them to walk back into your life...................................
apologize for being hurt...apologize for being hurt...apologize for being hurt...apologize for being hurt...apologize for being hurt...apologize for being hurt...APOLOGIZE FOR BEING HURT!!!!
FUCK! I don't think I can do that. I don't think I can go there (insert at least 30 different addresses) and knock on a door and say
"I'm so sorry I had hurt feelings from how you treated me. I was wrong to have those feelings. Please be my (friend, family, loved one)
It's the key part of the RE BRAND plan. I have to bend and tell everyone that I was wrong for having feelings.
I was wrong about you purposefully trying to hurt me with your words. I was wrong for not making you and your feelings the center of everything I've ever done or written. I was wrong about you treating my children like they were invisible. I was wrong about you taking and taking and taking and not being willing to give back on that important day. I was wrong about your actions hurting my feelings. I was wrong about you trying to blame your poor behavior on me. I was wrong about you talking about me without ever talking to me. I was wrong for not believing in your God and your beliefs and your judgement of others.
How could I have been so wrong?
Yesterday I looked at Micah and said
"Lets just sell everything and move far away and start over"
Maybe then I'd get it right. Maybe in a new place I'd have more value. No.....you can change the place but it doesn't change the person.
All I know is something has got to change. Maybe I need medication and electro shock therapy. Maybe it's a weight thing and I'll increase my value when I'm thinner.
My mom said "Maybe you need to read all the shit you post"
She's right. I have to let go and move on and work on changing me.
What I know for sure is that I am not a good investor. And I can only work on making myself a better investment option.
RE BRAND 2013!!!