Tuesday, July 16, 2013

How did I get here??

This morning I had coffee with a friend. She drove up from Yuba City to see me and let our kids play together. Yuba City is a 30 minute drive south. It may not seem like a big deal, but to me it means so much. That someone wants to take time out of there life to drive and hang with me. 

We talked a lot about friendships and the past. It really got my brain churning about how I handle situations. I started thinking about some of the new friendships that burnt out quickly. I thought they would be my forever friends...I don't know exactly what went wrong. 

After that I went and got my hair cut and went diarrhea of the mouth to my new hair stylist. I always feel like the people who make you beautiful on the outside are like bartenders or shrinks. My nail girl, my hair girl...they hear it all. Talking to her about how I had ended up in THAT salon and how I knew everyone brought up a lot of memories. It made me think about how I got here. 

Right now I'm hiding. I hurt my friends feelings by missing an important dinner.  I haven't gone to apologize to her face yet. I get busy with the kids, dance, swim and time always seems to work against me. But if I'm being honest, I'm scared of her. In my head I can hear her voice saying "I'm done". I don't wan't to see that on her face. I bought her a card and drove by her house. I was too scared to stop. I have had so many "I'm done" moments with so many people. I missed an important event. It wasn't on purpose. But I should have talked to her once I realized my mistake. Instead I ran into another friend who told me how mad she was, it freaked me out. Then I ran into her husband and could tell by the look on his face. I chickened out.

I always think to myself that I need to prove that I am worth keeping around as a friend. I read that sentence and realize just how sad it sounds. 

I missed another important occasion this past weekend. 

My husband turned off my alarm and took off in the only car that we have. I called him over a dozen times and he wouldn't answer. By the time he came back it had been an hour and I completely missed the event. He said he just wanted me to get some sleep and hadn't realized my plans. We got in a huge fight. Mostly it was because I knew how flaky it made me seem. Here I'm trying to prove that I'm worth keeping around and then I miss something really important. No, it wasn't my fault. But I've learned that the reason doesn't really matter. When you say you will be somewhere, you have to be there. Period

I should be cleaning my kitchen right now. Instead I'm wondering how the hell I ended up here. Why aren't all friendships easy? 

I keep looking at Fish and realizing how much she is like me. She wants to be friends with some girls so bad. I watch her and she is always on the outside looking in. It makes my heart break to think she might be like me. Always struggling through friendships. Always wanting to be a part of those tight circles. 

So this perpetual cycle of failure that I am stuck in seems to seep into my child. How do I stop that? How do I convince her to be more confident and lead instead of follow? How do I find the courage to apologize to my friend? How do I know which friendships to chase and which ones to let go?

Fuck! I hate being a grown up