Sunday, July 28, 2013

Coming Clean: One year later

Happy Anniversary Happy Readers!!!!

It has been one year since I started this blog. I actually had a complete post written and I scrapped it. 
It was full of how disappointed I am in myself. Then I realized.....I'm not all that disappointed. 

I think I started to write what I thought I was supposed to say or what other people think about me.

I am supposed to say that it has been a failure because I have only lost 3 pounds since I started. 
I am supposed to say that it has been a failure because my house will still get messy. 
I am supposed to say that it has been a failure because I still yell at my children more than I would like.
I am supposed to say that it has been a failure because I have not found my sparkle. 

But all of that is bullshit. I have never written this blog to tell people what I think they want to hear. I have always written it for myself. And although it hasn't been the amazing transformation I thought it would...that doesn't mean it has been a failure. 

In the past year I have stopped drinking soda. I recently stopped spending hours watching T.V. I spend a lot more time with my kids. 
My house is way cleaner than it was a year ago. There are less piles and less clutter and I work really hard to keep it that way. I laugh more...a lot more. I make my bed every morning (6 out of 7 days at least).

The biggest change is that I am not super depressed anymore. My mom might argue this one, because I get sad about people. For as long as I can remember people have walked through my life, very few stick around. When I was a kid we moved around a lot. The friends I'd leave would always say keep in touch. Some of them would write me. But I rarely wrote them back...I'm not really sure why. Maybe that has translated into my adult life. This week one of the most important friends in my life sent my husband a text that said "we know your wife is bad at returning phone calls..." AND HE IS TOTALLY CORRECT. I am horrible at calling people back. I get scatter brained and sleep deprived and before you know it, a month has passed. My life is chaos. Maybe that is part of the reason people pass through my life. I will take ownership of the fact that I suck at calling people back. But it's not like the phone is ringing either. 

This past year I have seen more people head for the door. People I thought would be around forever. And even while I'm crying watching the door swing closed....I'm not depressed. That darkness isn't licking my toes waiting to pull me under again. That has been my major breakthrough this year. There are dark days and I know there always will be. But I am stronger today than I was a year ago. 

I don't remember how I decided to start writing this blog. I don't remember the moment I thought it was a good idea. I hope that in this year you've read a little about my demons and my heart and you've felt less lonely in your own obstacles.

I didn't start this blog to make anyone feel sorry for me. I'm not looking for sympathy. I didn't lose 100lbs and I still have to learn better time management. But I found you. Today I have 14,000 page views. I have readers in Canada, Australia and the UK. One of my friends has a psycho ex-husband who reads my blog and, then leaves me voice mails telling me how stupid I sound. I laugh because I am pretty long winded when I he had to read A LOT. Just so he can attempt to insult me with my own words (that I share with EVERYONE). I have mad love for the haters that help me boost my numbers! Keep hating please!! It keeps the page views high!

When I fight with my husband I read my early posts. I remind myself of our story and where we started. Reading my own words helps bring me back to our goal as a family. 

Thank you all for letting me vent on the difficulties of marriage. And thank you for knowing that just because he drives me insane doesn't mean WE can't still fight for us. 

Last night, I watched two amazing friends get married. It was a beautiful night full of love and joy. 

Our 9 year anniversary. Sadly I didnt' get a great picture at the wedding

I have a new sexy haircut. After years of not wearing makeup regularly I now do my makeup for work. So I made it extra fabulous for the wedding. I wore a pretty dress that I still fit in after 3 years. I walked in with my beautiful family, on the arm of the man that I love. And you know what........I was sparkling! I felt like me again.  
I didn't change the world this year. But I altered my world for the better. I'm happy with that. 

My journey isn't over and I hope you'll stick around to cheer me on. Because there is so much more for me to figure out in  

The Happy Mom Project