Wednesday, July 24, 2013

A love letter

I was trolling Pinterest and I found a pin for "25 Free and Frugal ways to celebrate your anniversary". 

Tomorrow is my anniversary. In fact by the time this posts it will have been 9 years of wedded bliss.

All of the ideas were very cute. Have breakfast together, blow up balloons for all the years you've been married, make a special dinner together. None of the suggestions really had sentiment though.
Except the very first suggestion.

Write a love letter. Spray it with your perfume or kiss it with your lipstick

I haven't written my husband a love letter in 7 years. 

When Micah was in boot camp I started writing him letters pouring out my heart. When he was in Iraq I wrote him nearly every day. They were filled with talk of the future for us. I kept all of the letters we wrote during that time. They are all in the garage in a box marked "Letters from War". 

Its strange how different a letter would be today. Those letters were filled with the longing of a new bride who could not start her life yet. The love she felt was for an idea that had not yet been realized. She had big dreams of traveling with her husband and starting their life together with adventures. 

It seems like a lifetime ago

So tonight as I stare at the sink full of dirty dishes and the pile of bills on the desk......I am trying to write a love letter. Ironically every year on our anniversary and my birthday we are fighting. This year is no different. I get a hundred ideas of great things to do for him. But if I do those things I'm screwed because he'll tell me 
"You are just trying to make me feel like shit, because you're better at this than me". But if I do nothing, then I'm being a bitch. So really it is a no win situation for me. In my mind it's better just to save my energy and ideas for another time. But this year has been particularly rough on us. 

It's been a year since I quit my "real" job. It's been a year since I started writing this blog. It's been a year since I admitted that my life needed to change drastically. In this year some pretty serious resentment has been building. And maybe a little bit of anger has been growing as well. 

But this is what I do know.

I love my husband. I love his so much that being angry at him makes me cry. I love him so much that sleeping without him is restless. I love him so much that his happiness has become more important than my own (which I know is not healthy). I love him so much that I find myself pushing him away. Because I'm so afraid he might leave me someday. I feel like I might be ok if it happened now instead of later. I love him so much that my heart literally hurts when he's gone for long stretches on fires. I love him so much that I pray for fire so he'll miss me more by being gone.

I knew the first time he kissed me that I was going to marry him. 

I have been terrified every day since then. Because for the first time I realized just how vulnerable I was and how fragile my heart would be.  I read a quote the other day 

The moon loved the sun so much that he died everyday so she could breathe.

It made me laugh. Micah's hair turns gold. The hair on his arms and his eyelashes. His eyes are hazel...ish. They are green with gold at the center. I have always told him that it was sunlight that filled him and turned him gold on the outside. 

I guess that makes me the moon.....dying everyday. 

I don't know how long this journey to happiness will take. But I hope that it gets less rocky soon. Because I have a love letter to write and I'd like it to be filled with optimism and hope.