Friday, June 7, 2013

If I died today....

I am struggling right now. I don't understand why everything has to be so difficult. 

Something so tiny as pointing out that something isn't working properly. Having someone offer to do something nice and then change there mind. Feeling completely alone. 

I'm married. But anyone who is married will tell you it's like a roller coaster. You have months or years of happiness speckled with blotchy unhappiness. If it was perfect you'd likely abandon it for something different.

Right now I'm praying for wildfires. My husband and I love each other..I have no question. But there are times when I just know that it would be better for him to be gone for weeks or months. That the chaos of our  life is just too much. Sometimes distance really does make the heart grow fonder. 

I am a good friend. There have been moments where I have been a great friend. On facebook I have over 500 "friends". And yet.....there is only one person who calls me regularly just to chat. I don't get texts for coffee or lunch. I don't get facebook messages from life long friends saying "What are we doing this summer!!" I get embarrassed because I feel like I hound people for their time. 

LOOK AT ME!! LOOK AT ME!!! BE MY FRIEND!!
 LOVE ME!!!

Then I get angry and think WHY??!?! Why am I begging? So I just stop...and no one notices.
We all have kids and lives. I have dance and swim and daisies and soccer and baseball and school and work and and and and and.  I have been told  "Well you are always posting about how busy you are." But I would always make time.

A reoccurring thought for me has always been if I died today, who would be at my funeral? I have been to funerals where there are hundreds of people lining up to say goodbye. I have also sat in a sad empty church with only and handful of people who witnessed the life that was lost. I don't think that at this moment in my life there would be a crowd.

I want to make an impact. I want to help my community. I want to help my children's schools. I want to make a difference. I want someone to notice if I died today. 

But then.....maybe my want list is just too long. Maybe the list I'm neglecting is my need list. 

My uncle always tells me that it's your fault if people disappoint you. Because you shouldn't have expected so much from them. Expect nothing and be pleasantly surprised if you get anything in return. 

I deactivated my facebook. I don't know for how long, I just know I need the space. Facebook makes me sad. It's filled with faces and names of people who are my friends from 100's of miles away. Always encouraging, but not really in my right now. I do feel bad because I have a parents group for my daughters school that I manage. But school is out right now so I think it will be ok without me. 

It's officially summer. Yesterday was my daughters last day of school. 

Sounds like a good time to close out the rest of the world and just work on the 5 souls under this roof.