Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Today I hate my life

No I'm not I really do fucking hate my life.

 And yes I know that "hate" is a very strong word. But it's the best descriptor I have.

Before you start trying to warm and fuzzy me by mentioning my beautiful children and loving husband ....let me stop you

I think I have more than stated how much I love my children and how important they are to my life. And I've talked A LOT about loving the man I married.

But today THIS DAY....I fucking hate my life. 

Maybe it's the piles of laundry to be washed or the piles of laundry to be folded. Maybe it's the piles of bills that need be paid and the piles of bills that will have to wait. Maybe the piles of dishes in the sink or the fight they always bring.

Today I hate the piles....

It could be my husband. You know the guy I'm always praising and gushing over. He's not always Prince Charming. As a matter of fact he's more often an ass than a Prince. He is angry and selfish and mean. He takes me for granted and breaks my heart.  But in my effort to focus on the positive I always post the great things about him.....not today.

Today I hate my husband.....

It could be the mom thing. Most days I'm so happy to be a mom. My kids are the best thing that has ever happened to me. But they fight to take a bath, to brush their teeth, to clean up, to do their homework, to brush their hair, to eat their meals. There is always the fight and it's always times 3. Hurry we're gonna be late for school. Hurry we're going to be late for dance. Hurry we're going to be late for practice....we're always running late....and they still fight me. Then everybody wants mommy. Mommy I want you to hold me. Can I sit on your lap? Will you wipe me? Can I come with you to the potty? Can I sleep with you? Can you feed me? They make decisions only to change them as soon as you give them what they want. It's exhausting

Today I hate being a mom......

Last night I slept on the couch. My husband hurt me (both physically and emotionally) and gave me an "ish" apology. You know what I mean. It's actually your fault, but I'm apologizing so take it or leave it. It occurs to me that we have had the same conversation a bazillion times in the past 10 years. Some days he's amazing and giving and loving. And then he's.........mean. I left and cried on my mom's shoulder and fell asleep brokenhearted and frustrated. Then I came home and waited for all the kids to go to sleep. As soon as that came.....he was out the door. He didn't come home until the bars closed. So I figured....why fucking bothering trying to talk? This morning I woke up with a hurt back, hurt neck...hurt heart.

So I woke up this morning to a screaming 2 year old. A 7 yr old running late for school and I man I couldn't bear to sleep next to.

Maybe tomorrow will be better. 

Maybe I'll go out into the bright shiny world today and it will change it all.  We all have these days. These "wish I could run away to a beach in Mexico" type days.

A whole bunch of you might private message me or even blast me right here and say " You should say these things. You shouldn't tell the truth about your marriage." But I'm not really a hide it type chick. And if my children read the words suspended in cyber space 15 years from now. No I will not be ashamed. I'll tell them the truth. Real life sucks sometimes. It's not always a happy. And it's ok to say it out loud. Just because Cindy Lou down the street has the perfect life, doesn't mean you know what happens behind closed doors.

Juggling schedules and meals and hygiene and emotions of 5 people is exhausting. Today I feel unappreciated, taken for granted and abused. So whether you like hearing it or not

Today I fucking hate my life 

*This post has now hit 2400 reads. It is crazy how many people type into a search engine "I hate my life".  I hope you read this and felt less alone in your shitty day. Because I know EXACTLY how you're feeling right now. And I gotta tell gets better. Maybe just for a few moments. But it does and tomorrow and those moments are worth it. I promise you that