Saturday, January 19, 2013

Unblocked

I have a million things to do...so blogging right now is not exactly on the list. I should be cleaning or food prepping or sleeping. But I felt like I needed to talk to my peeps.....you.

There are so many terms that have become part of pop culture thanks to facebook. Poking....tagging....liking (the button).....unfriending...blocking. Probably a ton of others that I'm too tired to remember. We have even made a type of seperation in what is reality and what is "cyber life".

If I poke you, it doesn't mean I want to "poke" you.

If I unfriend you, it doesn't mean I no longer want be your friend


If I block you......no that one is literal. 


When you block someone they can no longer see anything about you. If you tag my name in a picture, they will never be able to see that picture. If I make a comment, they will not be able to even see that I did.

To me "blocking" is like an annulment.

I don't want a divorce where we can look back at the mistake. I want to erase the fact that the relationship occurred. And this is how I felt about the 20 or so people I had on my block list.

I have never been shy in admitting that I am sensitive. It's always hard to feel like you are giving your all to any type of relationship (family, friends, marriage) and getting nothing in return. When people hurt me and basically tell me that I'm unimportant....they got blocked. So many times people who I loved, would ignore me....forget I cyber existed...but comment on pictures of my kids....on my mom's page. Really? 'Their mother disappeared, but look how beautiful those motherless kids are." There was the battle of mutual deletion and then the blocking.

It's easier to forget how much they hurt me, when I don't see them at all. 


 Now this wasn't the case in all the people on my block list. There were a select few that were just stupid. Really stupid. So stupid that I blocked them because I could no longer handle seeing the tiniest comment or post. Yes I am that bitchy.

This morning I got off of work early. I came home and checked on some messages I had waiting on facebook. I got to thinking about my block list. Mostly made up of family or friends that I had considered family. The long list of people that I no longer want in my life or my children's lives. And I truly don't. I have realized that those relationships weren't healthy for me. In my life I find that I give and give trying to show how much I care. All I end up with is exhaustion and loneliness.

  It was like a slot machine that never pays off. You keep pouring money into it...but it never hits.

I want to find that moment in my life where I have finally succeeded in only surrounding myself with those that make me feel happy. People who can appreciate and celebrate me and what I have to offer. Keeping relationships that are one sided or tumultuous are too time consuming....and life is short.

I'm still hurt, I'm still angry. I wish I could say that I've had a huge moment of growth and have learned to let go of it all. But I no longer want an annulment. Because those relationships happened. And I can't grow from them if I pretend they didn't exist. So I unblocked the long list of people who broke my heart. I no longer care if they see how happy my life is...how beautiful my children are...how my life continued.

Divorces are expensive....imagine the emotional cost of 20. But I think it's time to admit they happened.

I'm sure we can come up with some comic metaphor about blockage and constipation or chakras. Something that says nothing can flow freely when there is a blockage. But I'm just too tired to think about it. I'll just say. The weight of 20 people hurting me in the past was heavy.... now life feels lighter some how