Thursday, January 24, 2013

Today was a bad day

Today was a bad day.....

I had to get that out of the way and then I'll come back to it.

I am an addict. For as long as I can remember I have had this addiction. When I was in grammar school I started to realize that something was not ok with it. Yes, I said grammar school.

I'm addicted to T.V. 


Now before you stop reading please continue, because I promise this post has more depth...if you'll stick around for it. 

I remember my summers would start  with Young and the Restless at 11am. I'd get a half an hour break to shower during the news at noon. Then Bold and the Beautiful at 12:30. Then As the World Turns would start. Then Guiding Light and lastly my favorite Days of our Lives. I would sit through 4.5 hours of soap operas.Then I'd scramble for an hour to clean and do what my mom had told me to. I'd always manage to finish right before she came home from work.

That did not include what I'd watch at night. I was blessed to be born to a mother who loves to buy movies....still. After all the shows I'd watch were over I'd move from my room to the living room and watch movies. Those are the nights when you decide that eating cereal at 11pm from a big gulp cup is cooler than a bowl.

I didn't realize then but I was hiding. I knew I was sad in those young years. I didn't know why, I couldn't talk about it. But watching the characters in their perfect lives was an escape. It was my happy place I could retreat to. All the while I was ignoring what was really going on inside myself and in my family.

Hey I said SAD...what more do you want.

Lately I have been watching huge amounts of T.V. I have never watched late night shows and I find myself recording Fallon's late show. Every night I stay up late watching hours and hours of recorded shows. I could easily blame it on my schedule at the casino....but that'd be a lie. The truth is...

It's because I am hiding. 


My husband actually sent me a message tonight. He turned off all the lights and the computer.


 (It made me so sad I turned the damn thing back on to write this)

So here it goes

I jumped off a perfectly seaworthy ship and decided to try my luck at swimming. That's what happened when I quit my job. My husband was the encouraging man that every woman prays they'll have in their corner. I cried to him about how I felt like I was missing the kids grow up. I cried to him about how I hated the drama and the backstabbing. I cried to him about how I loved being a dispatcher....but loved my kids more. In the end he told me  "Quit, we'll be ok". So easy.....just took it out of my hands and released all that worry.....almost all that worry. 

So I quit in the middle of summer when he was working and making a decent amount of money. He said we'd be ok....he never said FANTASTIC. 

That was before the winter hit....the cost of Christmas...the cost of 3 children....and so on and so on.

Today was a bad day. We planned for it, knew it was coming, did it on purpose. But it didn't change how much it hurt the both of us. Today I feel like I failed my family. I won't go in to details...it's bad manners to talk about money. Lets just say it was a financial low point. But today I questioned whether or not I made a huge mistake quitting my job. 

That has been the one thing I have had all these months. I knew I made the right choice. I knew I needed to move on, because it was going to kill me. I knew I wanted to be a mom more......Today hurt so bad that I questioned all of that. 

So I curled into a ball covered my head with a blanket and held my remote close. I watched the shows I have been missing, movies that would make me cry, shows that would make me laugh....I continued to feed my addiction.

Then I turned off the TV and realized that he had turned off all the lights. He had locked the doors. He shut off the computer. He was already in bed. 

Addiction is a very selfish thing. You don't care about the world swirling around you. I missed it...while I was being sad and depressed. While I was hiding out in War Horse...I missed my family. 

He told me we'd be O.K. And we are..we're not on the streets or starving. We are fine...just not fantastic. It was a hard day for him too. But I didn't stand shoulder to shoulder with him and say it was O.K. I curled into a ball and he let me. I disappeared and he took care of everything. 

Nobody said this journey of mine would be all about sunshine and daisies. And honestly who would want an easy journey?

If it was always an easy road.....there would never be any great stories. 

I'm turning off this box and I'm going to go thank my husband for being everything. Just another bump in the road and we're gonna be O.K.