My Fish is turning 7....on Sunday.
I always have huge ambitious ideas for the perfect party. But they never quite turn out the way I plan. This year we were counting on a small windfall to help cushion the birthday blow. Unfortunately, my former employer did not complete some necessary paperwork so that is not happening. This I find out 4 DAYS BEFORE THE FREAKING PARTY. Will there still be a party? Yes of course! Will it be the party we hoped for....eh not so much.
This week I have been hit with a storm of insomnia. I can't sleep at all. But if I get up in the middle of the night and attempt to accomplish anything...at least one kid wakes up. Then I'm exhausted all day and sleep away the workable hours of progress. Thus making it difficult to clean or organize or plan or craft. I have been trying to caffeinate and power through. For some reason the powers of caffeine only work at night. Because a pot of coffee does nothing for me at 11 am when I easily fall right to sleep.
I have discussed party anxiety in a prior post Chocolate Disaster. I truly hate throwing parties, because I'm always afraid no one will show up. Maybe that is part of the reason I procrastinate sending invitations. For my son's 2nd birthday I sent out 47 invites and only a handful of guests came. We still had a great time, but it stung.
For Butterfly's birthday in October I didn't bother with invitations at all. I just sent a facebook event invitation. She had a really good turn out. We all had hot dogs and too much cake. The kids played at the water park we are lucky enough to have in this town IN OCTOBER! She conveniently opted for a Halloween theme which made it super easy to buy cheap decorations and goody bag stuff. It was great.
But Fish has a January birthday.
January.....the month after Christmas..... The broke month........ the recovery month........ the lazy month.
The month that people say "I'm beat, call me in 4 weeks".
I have trouble getting motivated to plan a party as I'm putting my Christmas decorations away and, sweeping out the last of the pine needles.
Of course it has to be the sensitive child too. The one who is so much like me that the fear squeezes my throat. I'm terrified that she will feel like she doesn't fit in. Already the other kids in school tell her she talks too much and it's weird. Sounds perfectly normal to me...and they told me the same thing at her age. So when she has these big dreams of being a birthday princess....I get a little scared for her little heart. Many parents might argue that it's good for children to learn disappointment. Or that they shouldn't be so focused on being the center of attention.
Yeah, those parents can suck it.
The childhood we hope our children will have is shrinking. They are desensitized at such a young age. They are acting like teenagers, when they should still be playing with dolls and dinos. So if my child wants to be a princess in what I feel is her dwindling pink years.....she's going to be a freaking princess. It's bad enough that the damned tooth fairy keeps forgetting to take her tooth. She deserves to have a wonderful birthday.
So I panic and plan and panic and procrastinate and panic some more.
It feels like yesterday I was crying outside my baby shower terrified. Because once you have the baby shower.....you have to have the baby.
I didn't think I was going to be a good mom. I didn't think my children would be beautiful (I actually imagined hobbits..it was 2006 after all)
If only I had dared to imagine how amazing they would be....I would have been jumping for joy and painting the sky.
So cross your fingers folks.....my sweet Fish is turning 7! And I'm gonna do my best to make her feel like a princess