Saturday, December 8, 2012

I remember us

I know it has been an incredibly long time since I have blogged. I feel guilty and sad about it. It is really hard to be motivated to do anything when you are trapped in a house with 2 depressed people...and 3 children that need care and attention.

Every year when the fire season ends my husband curls into a ball and hides. It has been a struggle trying to get a full time firefighting job. Last year he did a ton of interviews and testing. He always makes it to the final interview. The knowing that you are so close but beat out by 1 or 2 people....well lets just say it's been painful. Now we're back again and I know the thought of another long winter of interviews and tests is scary for him. So instead everything is let go.

Literally every room in our house was destroyed. No, not messy, not lived in...horrible. My husband and I are in this battle of who does more. The house became the battlefield, we both chose to do less. Basically the whole month of November was a waste. We accomplished nothing, we cleaned nothing, we did nothing. I can't just blame him, it was a joint lack of effort. Each of us trying to see who would win and who would break down and do something. I lost.

I finally woke up and realized what we had been doing...AGAIN. The past couple weeks I have been trying to whip us back into shape. The house is almost back to clean functioning. The laundry is caught up. It's getting back to where we need it to be. I have found the floors in nearly every room (big surprise the office is crap still) But "us" was still messy.

My husband and I are very much in love. But sometimes all the life stuff gets in the way of that feeling.

 Bills, children, chores, it all makes marriage messy.

 It gets hard working through those complications. I feel so lucky that we do still love each other so much. So many other couples fall out of love because of the mess. Sometimes I'm surprised by the passion that we still have.

Last night we went to an "Ugly Sweater" party. We hadn't been out without the kids in a really long time. We try to do a date night or movie night once a week. But it hasn't worked out so well. I was exhausted and not really enthusiastic about going out. But I new we needed it. So we worked on some ugly sweater stuff and had my mother in law watch the kids.

Going to parties where you don't know anyone has never been a problem for me. But my husband is the quiet wall flower type....until he gets drunk that is. As the night progressed we found our groove. Suddenly I remembered the beginning of us. It wasn't any conversation or moment that was "like" the past. But an emotion or feeling that I felt. It was like unpacking Christmas decorations and getting excited over an ornament...just because the story of it is so great. Our night instantly felt lighter and happier. When we got in the car on the drive home I saw a look on his face. He felt it too...he remembered too.

If this was a Lifetime movie the couple would passionately end the night tangled in sheets.....this isn't that kind of post. We thanked my in laws as the left. Then we sat and watched a show we both love. He held me and kissed my was all I needed. We went to bed and I fell asleep as I always do. My frozen feet snuggled under his warm legs and  his arms holding me tight.

Marriage is by far the hardest job I have ever had. It's the car that you don't want to work on, but love to drive. I complain a lot about my husband. He drives me insane with his selfish man crap. He procrastinates for more than I do...which is saying a lot. The list is long and I'm sure he has one for me as well. But he also does some amazing things. He loves being a dad and is pretty good at it. He can build me a house and all the furniture to put in it. He can bake anything. He makes me laugh without finishing a sentence, because I already know.....and that's why it's so cool. He's my best friend on days when I feel like he's the only one I've got.

Last night a spark reminded me of our fire. I remembered that feeling that started "us". Thank goodness for ugly sweaters and anal ease (that is a WHOLE other post).

This morning I woke up and knew without a doubt that everything is going to be ok.

 It won't be easy or clean. We only know how to do hard and messy. But we'll get through and we'll do it together.