Monday, November 12, 2012

Gut check

Last night I was dealing cards and I heard someone call my name. When I looked up it was a deputy I worked with at my last job. I instantly had no breath in my lungs. I can only assume I looked like a deer in the headlights staring at his smirk. Now he is one of those guys that loves to tease. But there was something in his eyes....I instantly felt embarrassed,almost ashamed that he had seen me.

All night long I get asked questions about my life. Those questions usually circle back to my last job. The response is always the same 

"You quit? Don't dispatchers make good money?"

Being happy and a stay at home mom apparently is not the choice that most would make. I loved dispatching and I loved telling people that I was a dispatcher. But I love my kids more. And I seriously felt the walls closing in and death chasing me down. Yes, it does sound incredibly dramatic...but it's exactly how I felt.

However, on nights like this it makes me question my decisions. Am I an idiot? Who quits a job like that? Do you ever get a second chance at another agency or are you black listed? Will we be able to survive? 

The rest of the night I was clawing for junk food. Something to soothe that uncertain voice inside. I wish I could tell you that my will power over came. My own insecurity got the better of me. This morning when I drove home I totally beat myself up. Mad that I had gotten rattled, mad that I had given in and ate garbage. And it totally effected my game too. I was making rookie mistakes that I never would have made. But my mind was gone. 

Being a blackjack dealer is fun. It has always been fun. You talk to people and basically get to put on a show. At least that is the way it has always been for me. Do I think I'll do it forever? No, but for right now I like it and it's easy money. 

I don't have medical or dental. I don't have a 401k, I don't work 40hrs a week. I don't make $50,000 a year. But nobody dies during my shift. Nobody calls me because their baby stopped breathing. I'm not haunted at the end of the night by gamblers who lost it all. I go home and sleep. I wake up without the stress and worry of what will be waiting for me on my next shift. 

Yes I quit a good paying job. A job that most people would be too scared to walk away from. Seeing that deputy was like a punch in the gut. But this morning when I picked up my babies and Moose came running to me screaming "MOMMY!!!" I knew that it was the best choice I ever made.