Thursday, September 27, 2012

Autumn will bring change

   I didn't sleep at all last night. I feel like I've been saying that a lot lately. Is it an age thing? Once you get to a certain age you just sleep less. My mind keeps we awake, too many lists of what needs to be done the next day. My body keeps me awake, back pain, weird twinges. My children definitely keep me awake. There is always someone coming in scared of a dream or waking up crying for me. It seems they have an internal trigger that can feel the precise moment I am falling asleep. Because that is the exact moment they choose to wake up ...EVERY NIGHT!

    Last night was different. The fire season is coming to a close. I have this quaking fear that my husband won't find a job quickly enough and we'll come crashing down. I knew this was a possibility when I quit my job. We discussed it at length and he promised we'd be ok. I can hear his words in my head. He wanted me to quit. He could see how it was hurting me and knew what I needed to hear. So since I quit in July I have tried to push it to the back of my mind. I've been trying to carve a path and enjoy life more. It has not been according to my original plan...to say the least. And I definitely have not done the best job by a long shot. But I am still trying to embrace the idea that everything will be ok. That at some point it will all fall into place. When I was "religious" I would say to Let go and Let God and it would all work out. That philosophy is harder to live than to say. Whether you believe in God or not most of us believe that everything will work itself out in some way . So tucked away under my to do lists and laundry baskets was the nagging fear of this failed plan. The change of the seasons has been a fast reminder of what may come.

An old friend of mine told me that a casino I once worked at was looking for dealers. She mentioned that if I didn't want full-time they would likely give me part-time, because they needed dealers so badly. When I stopped dealing cards I thought I was going to go back to school. I wanted to get a degree and help the world!!!!!! Yes, as I wrote that I imagined myself with a cape flying behind me.  But babies and bills had a way of changing my path. I never finished school and started dispatching. In my way I was still helping others, even if it wasn't exactly saving the world. I was full of idealism and vowed to never deal cards AGAIN! ..... First rule: NEVER SAY NEVER! Because that is the quickest way to make it happen again.

This morning I met with the gaming commission so that they could do my background check. It was painful having to stretch my mind back 15 years to get all the details they required. I don't know about other moms, but I don't remember anything anymore. I have the worst memory ever. Sometimes I'll see pictures and stare for what seems like hours, just trying to recall that moment. I had to come up with names, addresses, dates...15 years worth. It was so freaking hard. All for a part time job.

And all of this kept me awake last night. I mean I started this journey because I wanted a change for the better. Can I still do that and work part time? Should I just let the chips fall and see if my husband does get a full time job? My brain kept going blah blah blah. Straight through to 7 am when I walked out the door with my kids.

Micah and the girls on our street in  Autumn 2009
When I stepped outside it was cold. A crisp smack in the face from the fall lurking at the edge of the summer heat. I love autumn! It is my favorite season. In my mind it is by far the most beautiful. The leaves change to gorgeous jeweled tones. I love the chill in the air that makes my cheeks tingle. Change....glorious breathtaking change. I feel happier in the autumn...warm smells of pumpkin and cinnamon. My favorite thing is the sound of dry leaves crunching under foot. Every year I look forward to this season. But this year I am more eager than ever before. I'm hoping that the change I see in the season will truly seep into my life. I'm hoping that I get some answers to my soul searching questions. Because I need a sign that everything is going to be ok. I need to know that I'm not making a huge mistake. I"m begging autumn to rush in and start the change I want to see in myself. I am tired of talking about what I want. I feel like the lazy took me by storm this summer and the autumn is where I will prevail.