Thursday, September 13, 2012

My first love

       My first love was not a boy or a man. Sorry to disappoint...it wasn't a woman either. My first love was music. Listening to it of course...but I loved to sing. I remember singing Silent Night in kindergaten. The best memories of my childhood were road trips with my family singing to oldies from Bakersfield to Gridley. My sister and I would go hoarse from trying to sing over each other (when ever we're in a car together she still tries to blow out my ear drums).  When I graduated from high school I wrote a song and sang it at my high school graduation. Although my motivation was revenge (this girl didn't like me and told me I would never sing at her graduation)...it still worked out well for me. Comically enough..no one could hear me. It was so loud in that auditorium that it was only really heard on the recording. I declared myself a music major when I started junior college. But between working full time and partying....I didn't succeed to say the least.

       I love music deep inside, down to my toes. When I met my father in law he told me that he didn't like music.....any type of music. I stopped for a second and thought "Can I really marry into this family?" We know the outcome, but I was blown away. Who doesn't like music? I mean most people are either Rock or Country or Hip Hop. I never fit into any category...I love it all. I've been to concerts where the vocals aren't understandable at all. But if you wore ear plugs you could hear just how awesome the music itself was. I can listen to Bluegrass, Jazz, Opera and still be ok with listening to Rap. Well....I get completely irritated with artists like LudaCris. "I eat pork with a fork" ...that's not interesting or complex, it's annoying.

       I loved singing. I say it past tense because I rarely sing anymore. It hurts to sing. Not in a sense that my throat hurts. When I sing it hurts my heart. To know what I used to be able to do. To know that I let it all go...it hurts. Now I only sing for funerals. Sadly I am booked in advance. No, seriously my elderly aunts and uncles remind me when they see me. "Don't forget you're singing at my funeral" I wish I had more friends that would get married. Far less depressing than having someone booking your for their death.  Although if I did get asked to sing in a wedding I don't think I would.  I don't have the voice I did 13 years ago. Too much yelling at kids and drinking in my 20's. Instead I watch singing shows like The Voice or Glee. It makes me happy like a glowing from inside. It reminds me of what it was like to have that gift. What it felt like to have people praise you for something like that.

      The other day we were watching Tangled and all three of the kids started singing. I wanted to cry, I was so proud. Even my Moosey was singing. I honestly think he will be the musician in our clan. Whenever he is at my parents house he wants to play with my dad's guitars. So for his birthday we bought him one. Most kids would bang on it or yank the strings. He watches as his tiny fingers pluck each string. And he asks me to play it for him (not something I ever learned). I have no clue what I'm doing, but he enjoys it. My butterfly is more drawn to the piano. She has never pounded on the keys like other kids do when they come over. I watch her fingers and she experiments with the sounds. She also has a great voice for a 4 yr old. Sadly my Fish doesn't have that musical inclination that her siblings have. Micah is tone deaf so it is likely that at least 1 of the children will have less than fabulous ability. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for her though.

       I miss my voice. People say "It's never too late" "You can still sing in church or find something"...Who has time? I have a pile of laundry and 2 pans of enchiladas to finish and it's already 10:30 at night. For now I have to be happy in the fact that my kids like music and pray that they want to pursue it. I'll find them piano lessons if they want or guitar lessons. I want to promote music in their lives without forcing it on them. Someone once said that all your dreams come true in your children. The wonderful things you wished for yourself happen for them. I hope its true. Not because I want to live vicariously through them. Because I actually want their dreams to come true. If that is what they want...I want to be the one that tells them it is possible. Part of my problem was never believing that I could. I don't want that for them. I want them to always know that if they want it...they can make it happen