Wednesday, September 5, 2012

I'm disappointed....let's toast to me!

   I hate writing this post. I made a decision when I started this journey that I wanted to be brutally honest. In my life I have been told more than once that I was honest to a fault. Sometimes my truth has hurt others. For the record I believe that everyone has their own truth. Just like 20 people can tell you that they believe in God, but they all have a very different idea about who and what God is. I came to the conclusion that if so many people could be so hurt by my truth, then maybe it was time to turn the tables. Maybe it was time that I  was truthful with myself. I mean being really honest though, not just pointing out my obvious flaws. Although i do that quite often. Some people say that I'm self deprecating. I make fat jokes...I'm a fat woman. There is totally no denying it. My frame is only supposed to support 120lbs. It is safe to say that I have GREATLY surpassed that number. Sometimes I make a joke to spook the elephant in the room. Sometimes it's because I think of the joke and I find myself HILARIOUS. Sometimes it's to make other people feel more comfortable with what they are thinking. Have you ever been in the middle of a conversation with someone. They suddenly become uncomfortable because the subject is about one of your flaws. So to break the tension I have a habit of making fun of myself. I am ashamed of how I have let myself go. But instead of hanging my head...why not laugh about it. I am working on fixing the me inside first, then she'll start working on the me outside. It doesn't mean that I'm going to buy donuts for breakfast. It just means that I have to work on my priorities. Right now, cuddling with my babies before school is more important than losing sleep to run in the morning.

    I should have been training for the Mud Blast which is a week and a half away. I should be going to bed early and getting more rest. I should be finding the time to plan better. The list of what I should do is huge. But I haven't done any of those things for myself. I'm not so great at doing it all by myself. Micah has been gone now for so long. Every time I get my hopes up that he'll be home....it doesn't happen. Fish is taking it the hardest. She is VERY dramatic. Every day we have the same conversation "Mommy, I miss Daddy. He's never coming home is he?" Tonight was especially hard because he wasn't able to call and say goodnight. He calls every night when he's gone. Seeing her hurt and dealing with the one mom show...it's starting to fray my edges a bit. I posted on my facebook page today that I tip my hate to single moms. They amaze me. I feel so inadequate alone. I manage, but it's hard.

I'm fried and I just need a break

   I am out of milk. I reminded myself  at least 5 times today that I needed to get to the store and buy milk. I never made it. I remembered at bedtime, when it was too late to load up my children and go to the store. The number 1 reason I don't want to go to the store...because shopping with children sucks. So instead I kick myself because tomorrow morning I'll have to cook a hot breakfast.

   The reason I hate writing this post is because I am admitting to myself my own disappointment. I wanted to be doing better by this point. I wanted to have magically lost 100lbs, grown perky breasts and slept 10hrs a night. Completely impossible!!! But in my magical mind I thought I would start blogging and BOOM! everything would change. News Flash....Showing the world your weight and admitting your selfish...doesn't create magic. So here I sit, my house is a mess,my sink is full of dishes, my laundry is piled on my bed to be folded. I have only lost 4lbs since I started this blog. My children are not always smiling........

But here is the upside

My house is messy because my children played hard today. I cooked for my children and left the dishes. I got 4 loads of laundry done today. I LOST 4LBS SINCE STARTING THIS BLOG. My children were bathed, teeth brushed, kissed goodnight and went to bed loved. At the end of the night I'm incredibly disappointed that I didn't get more done today. I'm disappointed I haven't made more progress toward my ultimate goals. But I have made progress.....tonight I'm cutting myself a break. I'm going to pour a glass. I'm going to congratulate myself on 26 days without a husband. I'm going to praise the fact that my children are healthy and alive. Then tomorrow I'm going to start all over again and just try harder. I'm building a new me and it won't happen in a day.