Friday, September 7, 2012

I saw her

I saw her tonight as I curled my hair. I saw her as I ran the mascara across my lashes. I saw her in the reflection of car door as I crossed the street. There was a bounce as I walked and a lightness on my shoulders. The way my hair fell across my face. My daughter told me I looked beautiful and I believed her. She has been gone for so long I thought I had forgotten her. Yet tonight as I looked in the mirror for an instant I saw was me. The me that felt happy and pretty. The one that others liked laughing with. I know she will never come back completely. I actually don't want her to. The girl I was before has grown up and has a different life. But her essence was luminous.

      When I was a teenager my father made me cry. He told me I was a handsome woman. I didn't understand and had hurt feelings. But he explained it to me. He told me that there were beautiful woman....more beautiful than me. But that I had presence...when I walked into a room.....the room turned. I had never noticed it. And to say that I did would sound ridiculous. 

There was a time when I felt noticed and not forgotten.

I felt like I was where others wanted to be. I have not felt that in a very long time. When I was in junior college there was this choir tour. Where I can be quoted as saying "Make up is empowering" and I truly believed it. There was a girl who didn't feel beautiful and was quiet. Her feelings were hurt by some boy...shocker. So I did her makeup and told her that it was empowering. Because it was not a mask but more like a super power. She smiled alot more after that...I truly believe it saved the experience of that trip for her.

    Tonight I felt the empowerment of makeup. I saw the inspiring girl in my reflection. The girl who while working on herself wants to help others. She was only there for a moment. But that moment was enough to make feel happy for the rest of tonight. She's still in there...I didn't lose her....I saw her! And I can't wait until she is back full time...she has my sparkle!