Friday, September 21, 2012

Birthday girl

    Last year for my 33rd birthday I asked  everyone to come and do the Race for a Cure in San Francisco with me. I didn't want to waste money on dinner or a party. I wanted the money to go toward something I was passionate about. Sadly, I didn't get a huge response. I got donations from amazing friends I hadn't seen in years, friends I'd only known a little while and, a friend I'd never met in person. I raised $500 and convinced 9 adults and 6 children to walk by my side.

    The only family that came were my husband and my children. That actually hurt the most. Most didn't mention it didn't exist. When I'd talk about it and how excited I was, the response was "oh, your birthday thing". Not coming out and saying "Sorry I'm not interested" just blowing it off . I actually had a relative that I was very close to tell me she couldn't afford to go all the way to San Francisco for the race. But she was there the night before partying with friends. The cause wasn't important enough to her. My birthday wasn't important either.

 I felt like I had failed.

    It was a cause that I really believed in and I wanted to do more. When I started I had been so motivated. But when I couldn't get more people rallied...I felt defeated. If a girl can't get her own family to come out to support her then there is something wrong with her.... right? I got really depressed and didn't want to do it at all.

This was one of those pick myself up and stop the pity party moments though.

I had to be happy with what I had accomplished and the group that was supporting me.

  My husband, my children and the friends I hold dearest to my heart were there. I am so thankful for them traveling so far and walking in the rain. And I did force all the girls to wear big tacky bows. We needed something to make us look like a group

Our group before the 5k husband looks pretty hot in pink

When it was over we had cake and went on a sweet tooth tour of the city. I hugged the friends that showed up for me and felt blessed. I hadn't seen Kristy in 2 years and she showed up. Nancy drove her 2 small children from Lake Tahoe to San Francisco by herself...amazing woman. Cheryl wore a pink bow...if you knew her you'd know what a gift it truly was. Adolfo pushed a stroller in the rain and was on time! Taylor stayed up the night before and helped me make all the bows. We both only got 3 hours sleep...for tacky sequins.  It turned out to be a great, fattening and, exhausting day. It was a awesome way to start 33.

My little pink family and my birthday cake frosted by Jules
    It's a year later...Monday is my birthday. I didn't sign up for the race this year. That feeling of defeat had crept back and I was afraid to put myself out there. I'm kind of kicking myself now, but I my toe is still killing me so it was for the best. I don't have anything planned at all this year.

It seems that I have a lot of growing still ahead of me. 

     Attempting to gather "friends" just seems scary. Micah and I had become part of a group of local friends...but it has unraveled in the last year. We don't hang out anymore and rarely talk at all.

    Recently, an old friend read a post on this blog and took it so personally (I swear it had no reference at all to her I don't have a best friend) that she publicly ended our friendship. She posted to her facebook page that she was saying goodbye....although she never actually said goodbye to me. After that post  dozens of her facebook pals bashed me and offered to slash my tires and beat me up. Then she went further and unfriended all of my family. She was one of my bridesmaids and the godmother to my daughter. But she chose to erase me and my whole it must be me right?

   At night I sit up and think about how I need to be a better person. I need to figure out why I'm so hard to love. I need to find the switch that makes people want to be a part of my life. Because the list of people who want nothing to do with me is growing. To be fair the list is mostly if you're a friend reading this hopefully our relationship is safe....yes that was sad sarcasm. I'm a year older and I feel like I've been working on making positive changes...but my world has gotten smaller.

   Monday I'll be 34 and I'll celebrate with dance class and 1st grade homework and a trip to the DMV. I want to be more ok with the lack of parades and celebration. I keep hearing that it's ridiculous to want to celebrate your birthday as an adult. Is that true?? Because I feel like you should always celebrate another year of life. Maybe I'm wrong. I'm sure I'll get a cake baked by tiny hands and a handsome husband. Maybe even a card with $15 from Tio Dave. I bought a hot purse to jump start my self gift giving. I know that everything is going to be ok...I know that I am loved....I know that I need to learn to love myself. 34 is going to be a big year for me. I want it to be. One thing is for sure...I need to buy myself a new camera so I can start posting my healthy changes. I'm determined to bring sexy back!