Saturday, August 4, 2012

Not always smiles

        Tonight was a rough night.....let me back up a little to explain.

      Last night, I went out with a couple of friends, got a pedicure, had some drinks and got home late. This is a very rare occasion and I felt like a weight had lifted. Only one problem, I told my oldest that we would be swimming today and basically made plans for nothing but kid fun. When I made those plans I had completely forgotten that a friend was coming from out of town to hang out. So when he called later in the evening and reminded me.....well I forgot about the day of swim fun. This morning we got a REALLY late start...there was no breakfast until almost 10am. After breakfast we went out to the U-Pick to pick grapes and tomatoes .Then we stopped by my moms house and made smoothies and hung out with my parents. So the day kinda got away from us. And there was no swimming, playgrounds or, adventures that my kids would categorize as "fun". Once we got home I had my head connected to this beast working on recipe ideas and menu planning for next week. When bedtime rolled around none of the kids were happy. My poor Butterfly in the middle was sent to bed early for misbehaving. The Moose was cranky and fighting the whole trip to bed, which is not like him. And then there is The Fish, she's my oldest. Poor Fish wanted to swim so bad. When she was washing up for bed she had a breakdown. She didn't want to get washed up, she didn't want to get her jammies on. She looked at me and started sobbing and said "I'm having a bad day"........ Here is the tearful guilt moment for me. I have said that to her a dozen times. "Sorry baby mommy is just having a bad day." She just wanted to have a fun summer moment and I blew it. I could have totally stepped up today and pounded through the tired. But I chose the lazy....again. And my children suffered for it.

      I know I'm told often that I can be too hard on myself. I know that these days happen. I know that it's not always smiles and happiness on the road to change. But when I see my sweet toothless (Fish is missing her 2 front teeth) unhappy with alligator tears rolling down her face. It  makes me kick myself and the dark scary starts to creep toward me. I can do better. I can do better. I will do better. The upside is I did get a menu planned for next week, including prep ideas. Tomorrow my husband will be home from work and I will push toward making the day fun. Focus on fun will be my mantra for Sunday! Summer is almost over so I need to make it count. I know it's not always smiles on this new path I'm walking. But I'm gonna go and cuddle my sleeping Fish and whisper to her how much I love her and promise that tomorrow will be better.

Fish at soccer camp