I'm holding my Moose.
Moose is my 2 year old son..and if you saw him you'd get the joke of him being called a Moose. He doesnt sleep in my arms very often...almost never. But he has had a rough couple of days.
Yesterday, my Moose took a stumble at my parents house and his beautiful face landed on the bricks of her fireplace. This is something that we have known would happen for a very long time. All of my children love to run and it seems like they are always running toward those bricks. I met my husband at the emergency room and he was holding my stunned silent baby. Honestly, the fact that he wasn't crying or talking scared me the most. The open wound above his eye was deep and still bleeding.....and instantly I started bawling. But as with most adventures on this blog, there is a back story.
My Butterfly was just 1 year old. She had been a surprise after I started my new job as a 911 dispatcher. At the time my husband and I were hitting a "rocky patch" in our marriage.We decided that we needed to wait on anymore children and revisit the idea in 5 years. Truthfully, I think we were both wondering if we would make it to the end of the 5 years.
I was at work and I started to get chest pains. This was not the first time I had this problem and had been told that it was something called Costocondritis. But the doctor who had diagnosed me said "Basically we have no idea, so this is what we call it". The pain felt different this time and I was really scared. Micah was on his way home from work and came to the office to pick me up and drive me to the emergency room.
Maybe it was because we were both in uniform...but they got me in very quickly and started my work up. The nurse was prepping me for a chest x-ray and asked if I could be pregnant (When you are in a "rocky patch" you know the chances of pregnancy are unlikely). I told the nurse that there was no chance, but was told that I needed to take a pregnancy test anyways. I gladly took the test, eager to move on the my x-ray, hoping that they could make the pain stop.
When the nurse returned she asked again
"Are you sure you can't be pregnant?"and I answered her again
When she spoke again she said "Well you are".
I instantly thought she was an idiot and repeated to her "No, I'm not! I can't be pregnant!" Apparently, I started to raise my voice a little...and possibly in an aggressive way, because the nurse started to slowly back away from me. I turned to Micah who was pale and quiet and continued to babble about how it was not possible and I just had a baby and I AM NOT READY TO BE PREGNANT AGAIN! At that point the doctor came over and asked "Is there a problem?" to which I sobbed "I can't be pregnant, I just had a baby." To this he responded "Do I need to explain contraception to you?"
The rest of the pregnancy I was bitter and angry. Not to mention that I had developed paranoia. I thought for sure that I was going to die. There was no options for delivery, it was to be my third cesarean and I was terrified.
Toward the end of the journey I really started to freak out. And I started apologizing to the baby growing inside me. I would tell Moose how sorry I was that I was not more joyous. Then I started having problems and I have a habit of thinking magically, so I blamed myself. If only I had been happy about this pregnancy...if only.
Moose was born on a hot day in July and I thought I was going to die without knowing him. Obviously I was wrong. But Moose has had more problems than the other two combined. He had to spend 5 days in the hospital after his birth, because he had jaundice. Moose has had eye surgery for a clogged tear duct. He was hospitalized after being so sick and dehydrated that there was no other option. And now he lays in my arms with stitches poking out from his eyebrow. He is sure to have a scar and we will train him to tell the ladies "Yeah, I got it in Nam"
My sweet Moose, he's soft spoken and likes to whisper. He is a cuddler and has such and amazing laugh. I regret ever being angry that he was growing inside me. Everyday with him is a beautiful gift and every moment is delightful.
Moose has completed our family, when we didn't realize it was incomplete. A life with him in it is lovely.
Sleep tight my lovely Moose.