Friday, August 10, 2012

I want a new mommy

       I went out tonight with a friend for a fundraiser and girl time. No bar hopping or table dancing, just a good cause and a cold beer. When I got home my 6 year old, Fish, rushed to my arms showering me with words of love. "Oh mommy I missed you so much! I'm so glad you're home!" these beautiful words were quickly followed with "Butterfly said she wants a new mommy and daddy."

Before I continue I want to assure you that I was not stoned when I named my children. Nor was I born in the 60's. A friend from high school always calls her children her "chickens". When someone asked her why she told them she didn't want strangers to know their names when she called them in public. Then they could use that information and try to gain trust from her children. I instantly felt incredibly stupid for calling my children's names in Walmart. So for the sake of someday having 10,000 people (hey a girl can dream) read my blog I have changed their names.....slightly.

     So my sweet Butterfly wants a new mommy and daddy. I responded with a simple "Ok" and continued to get everyone ready for bed. But I kept thinking about it as I walked my in-laws to the door, especially since she decided to throw a tantrum at that moment.I kept thinking about it as I changed Moosey's diaper and put him to bed. I kept thinking about it when I asked her to get her jammies on and she responded by yelling from her room how much she wished she had another mommy and daddy. She's only 3! So does that mean that it should be ok when she acts out or does it mean that she is too young to be acting this way? All I know is that within minutes she was standing naked in front of me, glaring through tears and threw her pull up on the floor. Any other given time my reaction would have been matching her anger and telling her in a stern voice to pick it up and get dressed. But this moment needed to be different, for both of us. So I asked her "Why do you want a new mommy?" And she said "Because you're mean, you make us clean up and you make us take nap time and you yell at us." Well she wasn't wrong with this description. "But I love you and I want to be your you love me?" To which she nodded, bottom lip quivering. "Good because I want to be a happy mommy for you, I don't want to yell or be mean...But you still will have to help clean up, ok?" And again she nodded although by this point she was covering her face with both hands. I helped her get her jammies on and brush her teeth. She began to giggle and hop around...already forgetting about the new mommy she wanted. I put her and Fish in bed and kissed them goodnight.

       I realize how hard it must be for my sweet Butterfly. She is stuck in the middle of 3 children very close in age. Sometimes we get so busy with life that we forget they each need special time. My husband is a firefighter and has been gone a lot this summer. To say it hasn't been easy would be an understatement. I would be lying to you if I said that I jumped right  in to being a stay at home mom. I have been incredibly depressed at the thought that maybe I'm worth less because I don't earn a paycheck. I'm also with 3 kids all day long and might not have been prepared for the non-stop questions and squabbling. But still my poor Butterfly said she wanted a new mommy and daddy. And the irony is the title of this blog is The happy mom project for a reason. I just want to be a happy mom. I want to learn how to have more fun and be less stressed. I want to find a way to stop yelling and start letting the small stuff go. After I said goodnight I went to my room and closed the door so I could cry without keeping them awake. I want a new mommy too! I want a new mommy for them and it is gonna take a lot of work. But I'm gonna pull her kicking and screaming out of the place she hides inside of me.

 Because never again do I want to hear my baby tell me "I want a new mommy".....never again

Crazy Butterfly