Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Happy Hunting!

Sometimes moms need some time to themselves. Well not by themselves, just away from being wife and mommy. And it is usually a lot more fun if you do it with girlfriends.

 So on Monday a couple of friends and I headed to the coast for a quick "stress free" over night trip. We had an amazing time! Our trip was completely about eating, drinking and merriment.....and a tiny bit of shopping. I feel like it was definitely the break I needed and at exactly the right time. Over the hill we went in search of good times and friendship.

  I always love trips like this. You come back with inside jokes and shared stories and sometimes secrets. Individuals are complicated and you rarely get a chance to find out how they came to be. But long road trips give time for great stories, sad stories, unbelievable truths and painful memories. And this trip did not disappoint in any of those departments. We ate and laughed and drank and laughed and well I can't tell you everything.....we do need some secrets.We did not know what we were searching for. But along the way we found the best Bloody Mary on the West coast and a closer bond between us. I can not speak for the rest of the toxic trio, but I am incredibly grateful for it.

Slammi, Poo and Dre

In the merriment I did find quiet moments alone to reflect on my life and this new direction I have decided to take. We chose to spend our trip in Fort Bragg, CA.,which my whole life has been a happy destination for family togetherness.

There really hasn't been family togetherness for me in Fort Bragg in a very long time. 

Going to this place brings back so many memories...and it hurts. I have found that sometimes I have huge expectations of those that I love. Some may say that I'm demanding in a few categories like respect, accountability and, loyalty. It doesn't sound like a lot to live up to, but it is. And I also have yet to learn how to truly forgive. I swear I try so hard but I haven't been able to get there.

So there I was on a beach at sunset with my friends...thinking about my family. Thinking about all these souls that I have no contact with anymore (my choice as much as theirs). And I think about all the summers of my youth camping in this town with all of those people...family. My friends kept walking down the beach as I stopped and sat down.

The horizon was like a watercolor painting smudged with pinks and golds, glowing over a quiet sea. There was a sand bar directly in front of where I was sitting. Although the waves were still crashing, the water on the sandbar rippled slowly across...not to be rushed by the waves behind. The water was like glass reflecting the colors of the sky, it was breathtaking. I wanted to point it out and share how amazing it was.....but there I sat alone.
       In the midst of this, there was a man walking back and forth with a metal detector and head phones. I sat in this moment of beauty and grace and he was oblivious, walking back and forth staring at the sand, never looking up. All that awe and peace turned straight into annoyance. I was thinking

 "Hey jackass! you are missing the PEACEFUL FREAKING BEAUTY!" 

And then it hit me and it all made me laugh. Who am I to tell him what he should be searching for? I came to the beach searching my soul for answers and searching for family to make memories with and lasting friendship. And as I laughed out loud by myself on the beach, I came up with some loose conclusions.

 Sometimes you're the waves crashing forcefully. Sometimes you're the sandbar rushed by none and reflecting heaven. Sometimes you're the sunset, smudged remains of blinding beauty that has to be let go so that something new can be born tomorrow.

 So many around us are like the man with the metal detector, hunting for gold that was right in front of them the whole time. It wasn't worth any amount of cash, but it's beauty was priceless. But I can't change him and force him to look up. I couldn't have convinced him that he was searching for the wrong thing. I can't force my family to march to my door and tell me they miss me. I can't bring back the way it used to be. All I can do is search my soul for peace, love my children and my husband, laugh with the family I still have, continue to make memories with good friends and spend time with those who want me for me.

       I am hunting for the gold inside myself. I hope all those hunters I love know how much I love them. And I hope they find what they are looking for. I am a beautiful sunset...I know that I need to let go so that something beautiful can be born tomorrow. I hope if you are reading this you are also hunting for something.....just don't forget to look up and take in the beauty that is around you. It might be exactly what you're trying to find...Happy Hunting bloggy friends