Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Candles,prayers and, yellow ribbon

    My son was not the first baby boy I fell in love with. I have only 1 nephew but he wasn't the first either. I was almost 7 when I met the first baby boy I would love. My cousin Tavo.

He was so chubby and had these happy brown eyes. He reminded me of a panda bear. He was about 1 year old and just starting to toddle. I have such a clear memory of him in my childhood living room holding on to the furniture.Even at my young age I wanted to hug him and squish him. There was something about him, he was just special to me. Although he's a grown man now, when I think of him I still think of that baby.

When it comes to the people I love I am very passionate. I have always been the type of person that would do whatever I can to please them. But I get hurt very easily when I don't feel as important to them. I know now that those are my issues. You can't control how people feel or act. Most of the time people love you and you are important. They just don't show it like you imagined they would. Sometimes you're pushing too hard and others get overwhelmed. I have made some mistakes with the relationship between my cousin and I. Because I loved him so much I put too many expectations on him. That was my fault. He is also 6 years younger than me and for some reason I expected him to act my age....again, totally stupid. I missed out on years with him because of my bruised pride and hurt feelings. Sometimes it takes years to learn to just let it go.

Tavo at our wedding, I miss the girl too...but that's another post
   Tavo is married now and he's a Combat Corpsman in the Navy. Yeah....that's where this post is going. Last week, he was home on leave and I only got to see him once. We talked about Oceanside, where he now lives with his wife. When Micah was in the Marines we lived on Camp Pendleton in Oceanside. Talking with Tavo brought back so many memories of life on base We also talked about when we were kids and the "good old days". It felt good to laugh with him again, I had missed him more than I realized.

 It didn't occur to me that he was home for 2 weeks.......2 weeks. Just like Micah had before he was shipped to Iraq. I didn't know when I hugged him goodbye that I wouldn't get another hug for such a long time. I wish I had held him longer and squeezed tighter. My mom called me today crying and told me he was deploying on Monday. It's Wednesday....it's freaking Wednesday. That means he'll be gone so soon. I started crying and had trouble containing my tears as I dropped my sweet Butterfly at preschool. I just now realized it was her first day and I didn't even take a picture. 

I wanted to go and hug his mom and sister, to cry with them...but that isn't my place. Suddenly, every memory is replaying in my head. Tavo at 7 years old telling my I couldn't wear a brown belt with black shoes. Tavo at 9 running around the camp, hanging out with my dad. Tavo at 20 drinking at my wedding. I had told Micah he had to pick Tavo as groomsman, it wasn't an option.


      I have missed him for so many years now, you'd think it wouldn't hurt this much. But he is going to a scary, dangerous place. My husband is a veteran (Sleeping alone a love story) so I have heard the stories of what it's like over there. But I know he will come back, I have faith in that. My husband came back and so will Tavo. I'll light a candle and say a prayer. And I will dig out my yellow ribbon and tie it around my tree...for Tavo.