Wednesday, August 15, 2012

A picture of me

     Anyone who has been in my house will tell you I love pictures. I always kick myself for forgetting to bring my camera with us when we leave the house. But, I hate taking pictures of myself. The rare photos of me that make it to facebook are few and far between. When you don't like the way you look, you don't smile for the camera. If you look through the boxes of pictures I have, there are large periods of time with no pictures of me at all.

 It's like I didn't exist.

   Now I'm writing this brutally honest blog about myself as you know. A large part of this blog will be about my weight loss journey. But I don't have any current pictures of me. BECAUSE I HATE TAKING PICTURES!!

    Some friends of mine got married last year and there are a ton of pictures of me. But I was "slightly" intoxicated. Alright, more than slightly intoxicated (if we're keeping score). I was posing for pictures right and left. Then I saw them and felt like crying. Some were posted on facebook and I'd die a little inside. Knowing that my co-workers saw the pictures was bad enough. The realization that many co-workers were there and saw me.....ugh.

     I worked in law enforcement. A lot of these SWAT type cops I worked with had thin, gorgeous pretty wives. Was I intimidated? No because I wasn't chasing any one's husband. Anyone who saw my drunk husband on the dance floor knows I'm not going anywhere. But I felt like they looked down at me. I felt like I wasn't good enough to associate with them. Maybe it was my own insecurity. Or it could have been the fact that I was a dispatcher. Not many wives are fond of the "other" women who get to interact with their men. But they definitely didn't welcome me to conversation with politeness or smiles. I got the up down.. You know what I'm talking about? Where they look at you from head to toe, with a look of irritation. In my mind I heard "wrong body type to speak with us". So I may have drank a little more after that to give me a confidence boost. I had left the house that night thinking I looked pretty. Standing next to those women made me feel ugly. When I saw the pictures it was a glimpse in the mirror I'd been hiding from. I felt like I needed to apologize to my husband for not being better for him. Yes, I know that is ridiculous. But that is exactly how I felt.

    So here we are almost a year later and I am actually bigger now than I was then.   But that is for a different post. And today's post will be a little shorter than normal. Because I have to shower, put on makeup, do my hair and put this camera on a tripod. Today I have to suck it up and take a picture of me. I know that no matter what I am not going to like the outcome. But hopefully it will just give me more motivation to change the image.