Saturday, July 28, 2012

The "weight" of my mission

 I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. 

There was a brief period of time in my teens that pictures show I was thin...but I always felt fat. When I was 24 I reached my highest weight and decided I needed to change. A friend of mine told me about a doctor that would put me on a diet plan and give me medication. It worked! When I started I weighed 215lbs and it all started falling off quickly. I had energy to workout, bought new clothes, went out dancing. When I finally tried on my wedding dress 10 months after I started dieting I weighed 150lbs. I still wanted to be thinner, but I was so happy with the success I had made. On my honeymoon I actually wore a bikini and mini skirts, I felt sexy.

Honeymoon in Puerto Vallarta 2004

       I brought back a souvenir from our honeymoon....I was pregnant. Although we wanted children, 2 seconds after marriage was hardly part of the plan. To make matters worse my new husband was preparing to leave for Iraq. Pregnancy has never been fun for me (but that's another post on its own). So my husband left to fight a war across the globe and I stayed with my parents. I was terrified, in my mind I told myself that if I had a baby he wouldn't come back from Iraq. I believed that I was pregnant so that a part of him would be left behind. And because of all those thoughts...I wished for a miscarriage. After 13 weeks it happened, I lost  the baby. The guilt I felt was overwhelming. I felt so alone and ashamed to have ever wished for something so awful. 

This is the part of the story where I started to punish myself with food.

         I have always been an emotional eater and this moment of pain opened the ice cream parlor. From there to here is a crazy journey that I will share over time. The point is that I sit hear tonight weighing over 100lbs more than I did on my wedding day. My eight year anniversary was just 4 days ago. 100 POUNDS IN EIGHT YEARS! So this mission has truly been weighed down for too long. I got on the scale today and this is what it told me......258.5 lbs. Did I mention I'm only 5'2"? It's definitely time for a change....and a pedicure.