BANG!

We live in such a violent time. 

News footage, movies, television, music....we have become so used to it that we don't realize it's there. 

Today there was a bombing at the Boston marathon. People being healthy and pushing their bodies to the limits for 26 miles. All that training and effort and pain.....to be attacked at your moment of victory. 

Strangely enough my favorite light hearted musical TV show was all about violence this week. If you are a fan of Glee you know what I'm talking about. A show normally devoted to teen angst and music, showed the fear of what could happen.

 I remember school shootings when I was younger. Before Colombine there was Lindhurst and before Sandy Hook there was Cleveland Elementary. Those were the school shootings of my youth. No where near as gruesome....but still very scary.

You see it all on television and think it will never happen to you. Those scary things only happen on TV and to other people. And then my breath stops and I struggle to catch it and I wait to hear the bang. It's the memory of that fear...and this is the story of 15 years ago today. 

I worked as a receptionist for a car dealership. 

"Thank you for calling Stockton Nissan Isuzu Jeep and Eagle, this is Dre how can I direct your call?"

I said that phrase a hundred times a day at work. The business I worked for was going under. Sales men would call and ask for their last checks. Vendors would call for payments. The bosses never wanted to talk. Because there wasn't enough money. 

A man had come in and purchased a car. He gave his deposit and drove away in a shiny new car. But a week later the dealership had to take the car back. He couldn't get a loan. But when they took the car back, they didn't return his deposit. 

The dealership didn't know about his history. They didn't know he had a chemical imbalance or that he had to be medicated. 

He called several times a day. He would ask to speak to the finance director, the sales man, the owner....no one would talk to him. His last calls were filled with threats and profanity. 

In the early afternoon my supervisor brought me his check. I knew who it was for and I was thankful to finally give him what he wanted. But he didn't call that afternoon. 

Everyday I would call my mom right before I was off work. I'd ask what was for dinner and tell her what plans I might have. 

I was talking to my mom when the finance manager came by my desk "Dre, call the police!" He was always joking around....so I didn't take him seriously. When he came back a few seconds later he looked at me and asked

 "Is that the police?" 
"You were serious?"
" HE'S GOT A FUCKIN' GUN!" 

BANG!!

I had dialed the number when the gun went off.

Tom grabbed me around the waist and ran with me under his arm like a football. When he reached the business office he tossed me inside and told me to lock the door.....I still had my headset on. 

When I plugged into the business phone console the 911 operator was there waiting.

Thirty men worked at that dealership. 29 made it out of the building. The gun man was holding one man as his hostage. There were five of us trapped in the business office. We couldn't leave because he was in the hall right outside the door. At one point he tried the door and we could hear him yelling. 

I gave 911 all of his information, he did buy a car after all. She told me I was doing a great job at staying calm. I remember laughing when she said that because I was so scared. The phones were still ringing so they took down our phone lines. Before they shut down the fax lines I tried calling my mom...but there was no answer. So I called by closest friend. 

"Kristy, I need you to do me a favor"
"I can't I'm late for work"
"Kristy, there is a man here with a gun..can you call my mom and tell her I'll be late for dinner" 
"Oh my god, Ok, I love you"

I reconnected with the 911 operator and she told me that we all needed to stay down, that SWAT had entered the building. 

After that there was a great rush  noise and yelling. Then silence. 

Then next sound I heard was a knock on the door. 

"This is the SWAT team, it's safe to open the door"

It was the coolest and scariest thing ever. To have the SWAT team surround you for your safety and escort you out of the building...protected by shields. We could see the gunman handcuffed on the ground. None of us could leave until we were interviewed by the police.

All the managers were sitting in the conference room when I walked through to get my purse. I looked at the owner and said "Roy, I quit". They all laughed, they thought I was kidding. 

When I got my purse I saw the check sitting there on my desk.....if only he'd just came to me. If only he hadn't stopped taking his pills...if only.

I didn't break until my dad opened the front door. They had been watching the news the whole time. I crumbled in his arms and finally cried.

I did go back when they offered me a raise...but it only lasted a few months. 
There are moments when I go into the bank just before closing or into a gas station at night and feel that fear. My breath stops and I struggle to catch it...and I wait to hear the bang.

News story of gunman at Stockton Auto Mall

It happened.....I'm old

When I was in my 20's I lived in beautiful South Lake Tahoe. I had an amazing group of girlfriends and we would go out dancing and drinking....4 days a week. 

It was definitely the time of my life.

 My very favorite night was Monday. At the time Caesar's owned a casino in Tahoe and it had a nightclub called Nero's. It was always packed. The bartender's knew us, the bouncers knew us...some of the greatest nights ever. Nevada is very different from California. In California the nightclubs start shutting down at 1:30am. In Nevada we closed the place down at 4am. If I could dance now like I danced then....whoa. 

This year St. Patrick's day landed on a Sunday.....my day off. My husband and I have never gone out together on St. Patrick's day. When we lived near San Diego (where St. Patty's is epic) we had a new baby. After we moved home I was always working or pregnant or nursing...no party for us. So after all these years we could finally go out. I was so scared to get excited. What if we couldn't find a sitter? Then my mom agreed to let the kids sleep at her house. What if we were broke? Nope just got paid. What if aliens attack?
Surprising enough that didn't happen either. So it was official 

WE'RE GOING OUT!!!! 

Now there is a huge difference between a girl in her 20's and a mom in her 30's. In fact this year I'll be 35. In a few months I'll start the downward fall toward 40...and I'm not going to lie, it totally freaks me out. But I was super ambitious about our night on the town. I bought us some fun green accessories...put some green eye shadow on. We talked to some friends (another couple with tons of kids) about where we'd meet up. The first place was quiet and just a place to get food. It was nostalgic for my husband and I. We used to go to this bar when we first got together...monster beers and deep fried mushrooms.....so romantic. 

After filling up for our night of drinking we hit downtown. Chico is know for being a party town. There are a handful of nights where historically things get out of hand, Halloween and St. Patrick's Day. But all the kids start drinking when the bars open at 11am. So there were no crowds at all. The first bar we went to closed at 10pm. After only a few cocktails I was still sober..ish. When it closed we walked to a country bar. The music was super loud, they had a smoke machine filling the place. As I waited at the bar I started to have a thought....I'm too old for this. 

We got our drinks and went out to the patio where it was quieter. I don't know what it is about me, but I attract the drunken crazies. This time was no exception. People see me and think I want to chat it up with Drunky McStumble. Now that I'm dealing cards again I do have a small following of players. So when the cocktail server freaked out that I was there and ran to get her boyfriend....well lets say my friends laughed just a tiny bit.

What can I say I'm a mini celeb in my own way . 

Big Red...last call 

We drank all night quietly on the back patio. As we started to leave we realized we had never danced. So my husband and I did the old folks shuffle to the last few songs before they shut the doors. It was a pretty good night......and then I woke up. 

See the hardest part about realizing you're too old isn't the drinking. It's not the too loud music and younger crowd. It's not the body that doesn't move right anymore. It's the morning after. 

Sunlight hurt. Cold air hurt. Motion hurt. Sound hurt. It was like I woke up a completely different person and that person was trying to kill me. We picked up our kids and got my oldest off to school. My husband took my Butterfly to dance and left me at home with the Moose. Thankfully he was happy playing with cars on mommy's arm and watching PBS. It was dinnertime before I finally felt close to normal. A whole day lost in misery and nausea. I woke up this morning and realized I'm too old for this shit. I may do it again just to push the envelope. But it will be with coconut water, Advil and ear plugs. 

Today I'm happy to be feeling better.....because reality set in and I'm a mom. I have laundry, dishes, bills and kids with homework and activities. I just don't have time to be hung over any more.

Goodbye youth.....it was fun...and you'll be missed

SOCIAL MEDIA IS NO JOKE YO!

What a ridiculous freaking explosion!!!

If people really don't care what you think or feel....why do they read you blog?

How does praising someone and, boasting about your love for you child and, the want to make their life experiences the best ever come off as negative.

How is saying that you didn't like decisions that were made a chargeable offense?

How can a friend read a post where you say you have no best friend and take it as a personal attack?

How can a relative who hurt your feelings, read about how it hurt and then get angry that you said it out loud?

Easy answer

Because the written word is perception. How you interpret what you are reading right now if completely up to you.

 How you read my words doesn't mean that is how I intended it?

Otherwise there would only be one church, because there is only one bible....but lots and lots of interpretations.

And even if you did take it how I intended...what does it matter?
It's only the feelings of one person...does that really effect your life?

You can't tell someone to stop writing how they feel....because they'll just take a picture and post it on Instagram.

I don't care about gossip. I don't care about people whispering. They could just ask me and I'd gladly tell me. I do leave out details on this blog. But that doesn't mean if you called and asked me I wouldn't gladly tell you. If we are all adults there is nothing to hide right?

Whether it is Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Myspace, Pinterest....whatever you enjoy. The great thing is that IT IS YOURS. No one else can tell you how to feel and what to write about those feelings. (actually Pinterest doesn't allowed nudity...I've been told) Because their interpretation is their own problem.

If you know that I adore you and your feelings were hurt because you feel like this spotlights you. Then I am very sorry for any type of hurt or damage.

If you don't like that I have vaguely eluded to wrong doing and you don't want anyone questioning your authority................. tough. I didn't say your name. I didn't say exactly what I think you have done wrong. I only gave MY FEELINGS. 

I love social media. I love this blog. I love my family and my community.

I am a good mom and friend. I work hard at trying to give my children the best memories ever. I have far too much in my life to let a couple of haters get me down.

So bring it on....by the way. I still have cookies for sale! ;)

The Habitat Run

In an effort to motivate myself I signed up for some events with friends. The first of which was the Habitat Run/Walk 5k benefiting Habitat for Humanity. A 5K is just over 3 miles...not a huge distance. My husband is out of shape and he can run 3 miles in about 29 minutes.  At his top performing body he could likely shave it down to 21 minutes. Yes, it totally irritates me.

 I am completely out of shape. But when I set this up I had complete faith that I would find a way to get up every day and work out. I mean ok...I know that I tend to be lazy. But I really thought this would be the motivator. I am so very very stupid.

My work schedule changed the week before the race. I had planned that I would get off work, drive straight there having had plenty of rest before my shift. Instead, I didn't sleep before work. I got home and slept for an hour, then got up and left. Yeah, I know I'm an idiot.  I think if I was 10 years younger I could have pulled it off.

I had the benefit of doing the run with two great friends (together we make the Toxic Trio) and a sassy toddler. I was thinking to myself "Thank god I'll have them to push me!"

But as soon as the buzzer went off...I knew I was going to die.

Luckily none of us ever had the intention of running. I giggle as I type the very word. I love to run honestly. Or I used to love to run. But then somewhere along the road I stopped exercising.....completely.

So we started out at a brisk walk. My Slammi kept telling me to push ...."Come on Dre! You can go faster!" But I couldn't I was so fried that my slow was my all.

It was only 3 miles....Remember in high school running around the football field. I was the one getting yelled at and only pulling a 12 minute mile. Oh that I could have pulled that for the Habitat Run.

Because of me we were the last to cross the finish line. WE WERE NOT THE LAST OF THE PARTICIPANTS...just to be clear. The other 5 people took their walkers and cute out the last leg of the race.

I totally felt like I let down my friends. I wanted to be faster for them.

THIS POST WAS WRITTEN FEBRUARY 18TH 2 DAYS AFTER THE HABITAT RUN. 

I finished it today and deleted the part where I said I was going to try harder and do more before the Spirit of Benny run on March 23rd. It's now only 2 weeks away and I have yet to do more to prepare. But I still have hope for myself. At the very least I plan on sleeping the night before and drinking a lot of water.

baby steps....baby steps

No Super Bowl for Superman

I often talk too much about how awesome my husband is. He really does a lot more than I give him credit for. He cooks, he bakes, he builds stuff, he hunts and fishes. My husband is a catch....don't tell him I said so.

With working odd hours and so many extra activities for the kids we really do share all the parenting. Often he finds that he is the only dad at dance class. He is very proud of his ballerinas. This past soccer season he missed all the games because he was working. So he has really loved taking the girls to their dance classes.

This past football season he didn't get to watch very many games. We were always going somewhere or working on projects in the house. It never failed, he'd only get to see highlights. This had to have been hard for a man who did fantasy football and just plain loves the game. But he didn't complain or get upset. He just kept on going.

One of my best friends bought a house and needed help moving. Between work and the kids we had to find a day that would work to help. The only day.....Super Bowl Sunday. I totally did not realize this when we scheduled the move. In fact it wasn't until the day before that I realized the situation. But unfortunately there was no other possible day for us to get it done.

My friend didn't live in a big house, so there wasn't a lot of stuff to move. The big motivation for getting it done fast..."Gotta see the game! Can't miss the game!" That didn't really happen like we thought it would.

When we got her washer and dryer moved we found they couldn't be hooked up correctly. We tried to find another dryer on Craigslist. No luck. So Micah had to try and make it work. .......that took time.

Some of the electrical outlets weren't working in her house. So Micah pulled out his tools and tried to see if he could help.

That day was really long for Micah. He was the only man (he liked it) with 3 women...2 wearing delicate acrylic nails.  (SIDEBAR: DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT HURTS TO YANK UP ON AN ACRYLIC NAIL? IT'S ATTACHED TO YOUR ACTUAL NAIL!)

When we got home it was down to the 4th quarter. He had missed the whole game. He had a test the next morning in Oakland and planned on stopping at my friends house and working on her washer issue. Because that is the kind of guy I married. If there is something he can do for a friend he will go above and beyond.

Cookies for sale

After this blog post went out a mom that I like and respect was hurt and upset by it. She believes that people think that it is about her. That it will lead to gossip and that I wrote it intending to hurt.

 It's not. 

I think that (name deleted) is an amazing troop leader. She is what I would like my children to remember when they are teenagers.

"Our troop leader was so fun!" We did such fun things when I was in Girl Scouts. I truly think that she is the best of the people in our town and she will do great things for our girls. It saddens me that this whole bullshit situation will tarnish and end a friendship that could have been really nice.  

I don't know how many of you readers are a part of our troop. And I honestly don't think it matters. I write to a handful of people, most of them old friends that know me well. 

I have wonderful intentions. I want my daughter to be a part of something special. I want her to experience all the great friendships that girl scouts will give her. 

I also wanted to be a part of that process. It didn't work out. I didn't feel like my vote counted or that my opinion was being considered at all. And then some of you moms came to me and told me about the disrespect.  That is why I walked away. Not because of my busy schedule or job. But simply because I was only an assistant with no actual valued input. 

If some of you choose to make this gossip and put a spin on it. Oh well, you have far more time on your hands than I do. 

None of this means that our girls will ever see anything but smiles and hard working from me. I intend to throw a Tea Party on Tuesday to celebrate 101 years of girl scouts. 

This crap wont be referenced or talked about or inclined. It will be girls in dress up eating cupcakes and finger sandwiches celebrating friendship. 

I hope this answers some of your questions or doesn't. All I know is that I will be selling cookies in front of a grocery store with daughter and her best friend tomorrow. 

And I'll be at every trooop meeting with my head held high. Because I have done nothing wrong. All I wanted to do was  help...so sue me

I have been away from this seat for quite sometime now.

My daughter became a Daisy Scout and I (for a minute) was a co-leader of her troop. I am not sure if you have been told but they sell these cookies....oh, you've heard of Girl Scout cookies?

Well it is far more involved than any of these moms are given credit for. It takes on a life of it's own. So my laundry built up, my house got messier, my family has not eaten many home cooked meals. And sadly my blog went to the back burner. But I am no longer a co-leader (or apparently "assistant" was my appointed title). I don't know if I have mentioned this, but I have been told I am difficult to get along with.

Please hold your shock....no really pretend to be shocked for God's sake.

I won't go into details, lets just say there can only be one chief.....it was not me.

It's ok though. I have another daughter who is coming of Girl Scout age and I will definitely be leading her. And I'm ok with that.

Through this scout thing I have felt disconnected. From my husband, my friends, my blog....

Life has a way of turning clouds to bricks in an instant. One minute you're happy and floating and the next you're covering your head waiting for the storm to pass.

I have 3 posts that got started and have yet to finish. Can you believe it's already March?? Where did the time run off to?

(I MEANT TO SAVE THIS POST, INSTEAD IT PUBLISHED BEFORE I WAS DONE)

I feel like I woke up and realized all the things I had been forgetting. I felt really disconnected from my family. Even though this whole thing was supposed to be for Fish. 

Fish was invited to go to a dance convention/competition on the same weekend as her troop meeting.  Of all  the tiny dancers, her teacher asked mine to go. The little girl who was supposed to attend had to back out and the tuition is non-refundable.How could I possibly say no? I knew I had to let her go.....but I couldn't go with her. I made a commitment to the troop leaders and knew I was needed at the meeting. 

It killed me.

The knowing that I was doing this for my daughter who wasn't even there. The knowing  that I was missing out on watching her go some place new and experience something awesome. She had never even been that far away from me since birth. The convention was in San Francisco....a 3hr drive from me. So I cried and cried and cried. 

I worked the night before and went to the meeting with about an hour and a half sleep. It was an eye opening experience. I felt blindsided by comments made to parents and, upset to hear from other moms that when I'd speak eyes would roll and whispers would occur.

 I was missing out on a huge experience with my Fish......for this? 

That was it for me. I am totally willing to help whenever I am needed. Because we honestly have a great (and huge) bunch of girls in our troop. They deserve to be supported and that is what I love about the scouts.

That was when I looked around my house and saw the disaster it had become. And I realized I missed my kids and my husband.

We bought a new car and decided to make a quick weekend trip to Disneyland..............and THAT is another post

Today I hate my life

No I'm not exaggerating...today I really do fucking hate my life.

 And yes I know that "hate" is a very strong word. But it's the best descriptor I have.

Before you start trying to warm and fuzzy me by mentioning my beautiful children and loving husband ....let me stop you

I think I have more than stated how much I love my children and how important they are to my life. And I've talked A LOT about loving the man I married.

But today THIS DAY....I fucking hate my life. 

Maybe it's the piles of laundry to be washed or the piles of laundry to be folded. Maybe it's the piles of bills that need be paid and the piles of bills that will have to wait. Maybe the piles of dishes in the sink or the fight they always bring.

Today I hate the piles....

It could be my husband. You know the guy I'm always praising and gushing over. He's not always Prince Charming. As a matter of fact he's more often an ass than a Prince. He is angry and selfish and mean. He takes me for granted and breaks my heart.  But in my effort to focus on the positive I always post the great things about him.....not today.

Today I hate my husband.....

It could be the mom thing. Most days I'm so happy to be a mom. My kids are the best thing that has ever happened to me. But they fight to take a bath, to brush their teeth, to clean up, to do their homework, to brush their hair, to eat their meals. There is always the fight and it's always times 3. Hurry we're gonna be late for school. Hurry we're going to be late for dance. Hurry we're going to be late for practice....we're always running late....and they still fight me. Then everybody wants mommy. Mommy I want you to hold me. Can I sit on your lap? Will you wipe me? Can I come with you to the potty? Can I sleep with you? Can you feed me? They make decisions only to change them as soon as you give them what they want. It's exhausting

Today I hate being a mom......

Last night I slept on the couch. My husband hurt me (both physically and emotionally) and gave me an "ish" apology. You know what I mean. It's actually your fault, but I'm apologizing so take it or leave it. It occurs to me that we have had the same conversation a bazillion times in the past 10 years. Some days he's amazing and giving and loving. And then he's.........mean. I left and cried on my mom's shoulder and fell asleep brokenhearted and frustrated. Then I came home and waited for all the kids to go to sleep. As soon as that came.....he was out the door. He didn't come home until the bars closed. So I figured....why fucking bothering trying to talk? This morning I woke up with a hurt back, hurt neck...hurt heart.

So I woke up this morning to a screaming 2 year old. A 7 yr old running late for school and I man I couldn't bear to sleep next to.

Maybe tomorrow will be better. 

Maybe I'll go out into the bright shiny world today and it will change it all.  We all have these days. These "wish I could run away to a beach in Mexico" type days.

A whole bunch of you might private message me or even blast me right here and say " You should say these things. You shouldn't tell the truth about your marriage." But I'm not really a hide it type chick. And if my children read the words suspended in cyber space 15 years from now. No I will not be ashamed. I'll tell them the truth. Real life sucks sometimes. It's not always a happy. And it's ok to say it out loud. Just because Cindy Lou down the street has the perfect life, doesn't mean you know what happens behind closed doors.

Juggling schedules and meals and hygiene and emotions of 5 people is exhausting. Today I feel unappreciated, taken for granted and abused. So whether you like hearing it or not

Today I fucking hate my life